Saturday, November 19, 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005
Goodbye Bob!
The new me...
I guess this is the real me. The "I've stared cancer in the face and beaten it" me.
My fight is over. I've finished all my treatments, both chemotherapy & radiation. I've emerged on the other side of survival with a stronger realtionship with myself and a deeper love of my husband and the people and things that are important to me.
These have undoubtedly been the worst months of my life. I have never felt so alive as I do these days. It feels good to do even the most mundane things - because I can. I am alive and ready to put this cancer shit behind me and get on with the business of living.
Today is America's Independence Day, so too shall it be my Independence Day. This is where I sign off and say thank you to everyone who supported me over these past few months. I couldn't have made it through without all of you!! I am done with Bob, so I'm done with this blog. Of course there will be updates quarterly, then annually with my follow-up scans, but for now I'm ready to not have cancer consume me anymore. I'm ready to have my life back. I'm ready to not feel the need to let everyone know all about me - no offense but a girl's gotta have her privacy :) Should anything transpire I will certainly keep you all posted. Should there be a need (i.e. babies or travel or other happy life things) to let you all know about I will certainly start a new blog all together as I would not dare share my new life with Bob anymore. I am free of him and I'd like to stay that way.
For those of you who would like to stay in contact, please feel free to email me anytime (heathersilva@cox.net). I'm not always the best at returning emails or calls immediately but I'll work on that.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Half way into radiation...
So since our last post & the passing of our dog many things have happened. When I left off, I had just decided that I would in fact do the radiation as I was given the ultimatum to either go through with it or do more chemo - no thanks!
The following week I went in to have CT scans and set up my radiation. I had no idea what i was in for. They create this mask for people getting head/neck radiation that totally immobilizes you. It starts out as warm, wet, stretchy mesh that is stretched over your face & head and left to cool and eventually harden to a hard plastic. I remained in this mask for the duration of my scans & set up - over an hour! There were a few moments of panic but I remained calm, that is until the technician took the mask off and I totally freaked. I didn't realize just how scary it was until it was over. They also gave me two pin prick tattoos (nothing elaborate) on my neck & chest. They say they look like black freckles but I say they look more like black heads - gross!
The next week, the day after Jack died I had minor surgery to have my port removed. That was creepy because I was awake during the whole thing. They cleaned it all up for me and sent me home with it. Its a trip to think that thing was inside me. You can see all the holes from the needles poking into it.
The next day after that I officially started my radiation. I had to come in during the middle of the day (may I remind you that my radiation doctor is located an hour from home and 30 minutes from work) and have xrays taken - in the mask. Once again I was in the mask for over 30 minutes. I was a total freak this time. I didn't think I could talk and I certainly couldn't move so I started to really panic everytime the technicians left the room. I felt like I was being held against my will. I started flailling my arms and trying to make some noise so someone would notice me. they finally ran in and took the mask off. I was sobbing uncontrollbly. The next two days of radiation were pretty much the same story. I asked the technicians (Julie & Cody) if they could play music for me and talk to me at all times so I knew I wasn't alone. By Monday the next week I learned that I could talk a little in my mask and that has helped so much with my panic attacks. Suffice it to say I feel like I start my day each morning on Fear Factor and radiation has taken far more courage than chemo ever did. I had Cody take some pictures of me on the table & in my mask so I will post those as soon as I have some time.
Last weekend we got a little reprieve and went up to the bay area for my sister's college graduation. We had a really nice time visting with family and spent Sunday with my sister & her husband wine tasting in Napa Valley.
Back to work these days, I've been working past 7pm for the last two weeks. It feels good to be busy again but I feel like I'm running out of steam.
This weekend is the Rock'n'Roll Marathon and the family comes in on Friday. Its going to be fun trying to get 11 people around all weekend but we'll figure it out. Rene's been working on getting the house party/company worthy. The backyard is like a whole other living space, its beautiful!
That's all for now. Hope everyone is doing well! My hair is starting to grow back and I only have 11 more radiations to go...things are looking up :)
The following week I went in to have CT scans and set up my radiation. I had no idea what i was in for. They create this mask for people getting head/neck radiation that totally immobilizes you. It starts out as warm, wet, stretchy mesh that is stretched over your face & head and left to cool and eventually harden to a hard plastic. I remained in this mask for the duration of my scans & set up - over an hour! There were a few moments of panic but I remained calm, that is until the technician took the mask off and I totally freaked. I didn't realize just how scary it was until it was over. They also gave me two pin prick tattoos (nothing elaborate) on my neck & chest. They say they look like black freckles but I say they look more like black heads - gross!
The next week, the day after Jack died I had minor surgery to have my port removed. That was creepy because I was awake during the whole thing. They cleaned it all up for me and sent me home with it. Its a trip to think that thing was inside me. You can see all the holes from the needles poking into it.
The next day after that I officially started my radiation. I had to come in during the middle of the day (may I remind you that my radiation doctor is located an hour from home and 30 minutes from work) and have xrays taken - in the mask. Once again I was in the mask for over 30 minutes. I was a total freak this time. I didn't think I could talk and I certainly couldn't move so I started to really panic everytime the technicians left the room. I felt like I was being held against my will. I started flailling my arms and trying to make some noise so someone would notice me. they finally ran in and took the mask off. I was sobbing uncontrollbly. The next two days of radiation were pretty much the same story. I asked the technicians (Julie & Cody) if they could play music for me and talk to me at all times so I knew I wasn't alone. By Monday the next week I learned that I could talk a little in my mask and that has helped so much with my panic attacks. Suffice it to say I feel like I start my day each morning on Fear Factor and radiation has taken far more courage than chemo ever did. I had Cody take some pictures of me on the table & in my mask so I will post those as soon as I have some time.
Last weekend we got a little reprieve and went up to the bay area for my sister's college graduation. We had a really nice time visting with family and spent Sunday with my sister & her husband wine tasting in Napa Valley.
Back to work these days, I've been working past 7pm for the last two weeks. It feels good to be busy again but I feel like I'm running out of steam.
This weekend is the Rock'n'Roll Marathon and the family comes in on Friday. Its going to be fun trying to get 11 people around all weekend but we'll figure it out. Rene's been working on getting the house party/company worthy. The backyard is like a whole other living space, its beautiful!
That's all for now. Hope everyone is doing well! My hair is starting to grow back and I only have 11 more radiations to go...things are looking up :)
Monday, May 16, 2005
R.I.P.
Today we said goodbye to a member of our family, Jack The Dog.
Just before all of this Hodgkins stuff came into our lives we brought home the most incredible animal. We found him at the San Diego Humane Society just waiting for us to take him home. They told us that Jack had been through a tough life. When he came to the shelter he was severely depressed and had a lot of medical issues. While the shelter brought him back to health, they discovered that along with his mistreatment he had BB's inside him evidently from being shot. Jack had a hard life before we met him, but the moment we did he was instantly in our hearts. Jack loved our home, defended his little sister at the beach from larger dogs, and was in love with our cat Sophia. On occasion, they would get friendly and she would give him a little peck. He was a true San Diegan, he love laying out in the sun taking in the rays, and going to the beach. When Jack first came to our home he rarely smiled, but after a little time and a lot of love, Jack wore a smile from ear to ear. He had a knack for always being right in the way of where you were going, or plopping down right in the middle of the room for a nap. Though our time with Jack was brief, he showed compassion to our situation and was always quick to give the love we so cherish from him. Jack was the best dog anyone could ask for. He will always have a place in our hearts. So long Jack...
Monday, May 09, 2005
32) I'm so sorry I haven't posted!!!
Hello all my adoring fans! I am so sorry that I have neglected you!! I guess after I finishes chemo I just wanted to forget about anything to do with cancer and Bob inparticular. This is not to say that there has been nothing to write about. Au contrare (yeah, I so don't know how to spell that!).
I recovered from chemo like normal and by Saturday April 30 I was feeling pretty good again, fueled by the thought that I never have to do this (chemo) again and that my uncle was visiting that night. I was in the shower getting ready when a wave of relief swept over me. It had finally hit me that the chemo was over. I cried and jumped up and down and screamed - all from joy. That night Rene and I went out with my uncle to dinner and a baseball game. I made the mistake however of having a cocktail, not just a glass of wine or anything either but a bonafide cocktail - bourbon! Suffice it to say Sunday I felt like shit again. That was a bit too soon I'd say.
Thursday we had an appointment to meet with the Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Linsen. A very nice guy (not much older than Rene & I) who studied Hodgkin's Lymphoma extensively at Harvard. Not a bad guy to have on my team. Mom had been the head of my research department (as I just couldn't bring myself to read about cancer anymore) and had found several article dispelling the need for radiation and it's associated risks. We had a long two hour meeting with Dr. Linsen and leraned alot about the odds with & without radiation. On one hand the radiation gives me a better chance that the Hodgkin's won't come back but there is the risk of secondary cancers; but without the radiation I run the chance of Bob coming back. We met with my Oncologist, Dr. Adler, on Friday and talked over everything with him. He said he would do some more research and confer with Dr. Linsen and get back to me.
Friday mom went home and I found myself at work until 8pm. I think I needed the distraction from anything reminding me of my choice I had to make, including Rene. Saturday Rene's family came over (we haven't seen them since before my diagnosis) and had a very nice time catching up. I was utterly exhausted when they left and didn't get off the sofa until bedtime. Sunday (mamma's day) Rene & I took our bikes to a nearby lake and I rode for 6 miles. Afterwards Rene fished (no, he didn't catch anything) while I sat and read. It was so nice to feel alive again.
Today Dr. Adler called to give me his final answer on what to do next. I'll be honest, by this time I had almost totally resigned myself to the idea that I could just call it quits. He came back and said that basically I either had to do the radiation or I had to do two more cycles (4 treatments) of chemotherapy. Those are my only options - I can't stop now. I really just wanted this to be over with. Radiation is going to be a cakewalk compared to chemo but I just wanted to put this behind me. I think I knew Dr. Adler was going to say that but I was in denial. The fact that I CANNOT do anymore chemo makes my choice obvious. I'll do the radiation and take my chances that I will not incur a secondary cancer.
Other than this emotional rollercoaster that I've been on, my gas/heartburn/stomach ache crap hasn't ceased at all. I'm still experimenting with what I can & cannot eat & drink. My fingernails are almost all the way off on both my thumbs and half of my fingers. I've also developed some sort of infection under them that oozes stinky green goop (NOT GOOD). I have an appointment with the dermatologist tomorrow for that. Also my Oncologist says that since I've chosen to have radiation (as opposed to more chemo) that I can have my port removed - yippee!! I'm so ready for this alien device to get out of my chest!!
Sarah & Maureen, just hold on a little longer! The fight is not over for me but the chemo is and that is a beautiful place to be. My heart goes out to you both. I can't wait until we all put this behind us and get to dance and sing with our healthy bodies. My heart and love goes out to you both as you finish your treatments.
To my friends and family...thank you so much for keeping vigil for me. I truly could not have made it through chemo without your love and support! I just can't say that enough!!
Rene, you are my hero!
I recovered from chemo like normal and by Saturday April 30 I was feeling pretty good again, fueled by the thought that I never have to do this (chemo) again and that my uncle was visiting that night. I was in the shower getting ready when a wave of relief swept over me. It had finally hit me that the chemo was over. I cried and jumped up and down and screamed - all from joy. That night Rene and I went out with my uncle to dinner and a baseball game. I made the mistake however of having a cocktail, not just a glass of wine or anything either but a bonafide cocktail - bourbon! Suffice it to say Sunday I felt like shit again. That was a bit too soon I'd say.
Thursday we had an appointment to meet with the Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Linsen. A very nice guy (not much older than Rene & I) who studied Hodgkin's Lymphoma extensively at Harvard. Not a bad guy to have on my team. Mom had been the head of my research department (as I just couldn't bring myself to read about cancer anymore) and had found several article dispelling the need for radiation and it's associated risks. We had a long two hour meeting with Dr. Linsen and leraned alot about the odds with & without radiation. On one hand the radiation gives me a better chance that the Hodgkin's won't come back but there is the risk of secondary cancers; but without the radiation I run the chance of Bob coming back. We met with my Oncologist, Dr. Adler, on Friday and talked over everything with him. He said he would do some more research and confer with Dr. Linsen and get back to me.
Friday mom went home and I found myself at work until 8pm. I think I needed the distraction from anything reminding me of my choice I had to make, including Rene. Saturday Rene's family came over (we haven't seen them since before my diagnosis) and had a very nice time catching up. I was utterly exhausted when they left and didn't get off the sofa until bedtime. Sunday (mamma's day) Rene & I took our bikes to a nearby lake and I rode for 6 miles. Afterwards Rene fished (no, he didn't catch anything) while I sat and read. It was so nice to feel alive again.
Today Dr. Adler called to give me his final answer on what to do next. I'll be honest, by this time I had almost totally resigned myself to the idea that I could just call it quits. He came back and said that basically I either had to do the radiation or I had to do two more cycles (4 treatments) of chemotherapy. Those are my only options - I can't stop now. I really just wanted this to be over with. Radiation is going to be a cakewalk compared to chemo but I just wanted to put this behind me. I think I knew Dr. Adler was going to say that but I was in denial. The fact that I CANNOT do anymore chemo makes my choice obvious. I'll do the radiation and take my chances that I will not incur a secondary cancer.
Other than this emotional rollercoaster that I've been on, my gas/heartburn/stomach ache crap hasn't ceased at all. I'm still experimenting with what I can & cannot eat & drink. My fingernails are almost all the way off on both my thumbs and half of my fingers. I've also developed some sort of infection under them that oozes stinky green goop (NOT GOOD). I have an appointment with the dermatologist tomorrow for that. Also my Oncologist says that since I've chosen to have radiation (as opposed to more chemo) that I can have my port removed - yippee!! I'm so ready for this alien device to get out of my chest!!
Sarah & Maureen, just hold on a little longer! The fight is not over for me but the chemo is and that is a beautiful place to be. My heart goes out to you both. I can't wait until we all put this behind us and get to dance and sing with our healthy bodies. My heart and love goes out to you both as you finish your treatments.
To my friends and family...thank you so much for keeping vigil for me. I truly could not have made it through chemo without your love and support! I just can't say that enough!!
Rene, you are my hero!
Monday, April 25, 2005
31) I see the light!!!
It's over! I've finished all my chemotherapy. My body is still tattered and torn from this war I've been fighting but the chemo is done.
I had a horrible night of sleep last night - dreaming kind of unspecifically about war. I'm sure it was me fighting my final battle to get my old self back. I woke up to a beautiful day so I guess I won. But there are still after affects - I haven't gone to the bathroom since Saturday, I've cut all my fingernails down to keep them from ripping off, and I'm more fatigued than ever. But I'm here! I'm alive and Bob is not! For now I'm just trying to work through these last few obstacles before the old, yet new and improved, me emerges.
Thank you so much to all of you for your love and support throughout my battle. I truly could not have done this with out all of you!
As a reminder to those who have not yet contributed...Mom & Holly are doing the Rock-n-Roll Marathon here in San Diego in June and are still in need of donations. Anything at all will help the cause of fighting Leukemia & Lymphoma! Click here to learn more!
I had a horrible night of sleep last night - dreaming kind of unspecifically about war. I'm sure it was me fighting my final battle to get my old self back. I woke up to a beautiful day so I guess I won. But there are still after affects - I haven't gone to the bathroom since Saturday, I've cut all my fingernails down to keep them from ripping off, and I'm more fatigued than ever. But I'm here! I'm alive and Bob is not! For now I'm just trying to work through these last few obstacles before the old, yet new and improved, me emerges.
Thank you so much to all of you for your love and support throughout my battle. I truly could not have done this with out all of you!
As a reminder to those who have not yet contributed...Mom & Holly are doing the Rock-n-Roll Marathon here in San Diego in June and are still in need of donations. Anything at all will help the cause of fighting Leukemia & Lymphoma! Click here to learn more!
Monday, April 18, 2005
30) Okay, one more to go!
I can do it, right? Only one more treatment left - this thursday. I can't believe the last one is finally here. But at the same time I can't believe I actually have to endure this at all.
Other than the fatigue that never really goes away anymore I feel pretty much normal today. I have that to look forward to 12 days after this treatment; however there are some side affects of the chemo that will be with me for some time. Most of my fingernails have detached from my nailbeds - leaving only that curious cresent shape area attached near my cuticles. I can't imagine that once chemo is over they will magically reattach - I'll have to wait until they grow out. Meanwhile, you don't realize how much you use your fingernails (at least as a woman) to assist your fingers. They don't hurt as bad as they did when they were actually going through the detaching phase but they do feel EXTREMELY weird.
I miss my hair the most! I am disappointed in myself for missing it. I was so proud that I could do without it and that having hair was just vanity. But I am vain. I wouldn't spend the money I do on clothes, shoes, handbags, and hair (being a red head for 14 years when I'm a natural blonde is expensive). I'm done being bald!!! I want even stubble to come back. I have this crazy little frizz growing in unevenly right now and its not enough. The doctor tells me that my hair should start growing back 4-6 weeks after chemo. So hopefully by the time my sister's graduation rolls around at the end of May I won't have to look like a skinhead anymore.
I'm so ready for this to be over. I found out the other day that an old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a couple of years passed away a few months ago from a brain tumor. I have been in and out of disbelief and grief. And it makes me want to kick this cancer completely (I know my scans are clean but I want 100%) and never look back. I want to live my life. I want to have children. I want to travel. I want to love my husband for as long as I possibly can. I want every minute to count!
Other than the fatigue that never really goes away anymore I feel pretty much normal today. I have that to look forward to 12 days after this treatment; however there are some side affects of the chemo that will be with me for some time. Most of my fingernails have detached from my nailbeds - leaving only that curious cresent shape area attached near my cuticles. I can't imagine that once chemo is over they will magically reattach - I'll have to wait until they grow out. Meanwhile, you don't realize how much you use your fingernails (at least as a woman) to assist your fingers. They don't hurt as bad as they did when they were actually going through the detaching phase but they do feel EXTREMELY weird.
I miss my hair the most! I am disappointed in myself for missing it. I was so proud that I could do without it and that having hair was just vanity. But I am vain. I wouldn't spend the money I do on clothes, shoes, handbags, and hair (being a red head for 14 years when I'm a natural blonde is expensive). I'm done being bald!!! I want even stubble to come back. I have this crazy little frizz growing in unevenly right now and its not enough. The doctor tells me that my hair should start growing back 4-6 weeks after chemo. So hopefully by the time my sister's graduation rolls around at the end of May I won't have to look like a skinhead anymore.
I'm so ready for this to be over. I found out the other day that an old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a couple of years passed away a few months ago from a brain tumor. I have been in and out of disbelief and grief. And it makes me want to kick this cancer completely (I know my scans are clean but I want 100%) and never look back. I want to live my life. I want to have children. I want to travel. I want to love my husband for as long as I possibly can. I want every minute to count!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
29) Coming out of chemoland...
With the news of Bob being gone, at least on a level that he doen't show on the PET/CT scans, this treatment seemed to be a little easier and a little harder all at the same time.
Thursday we went to see a dermatologit prior to chemo for these weird rashes I have all over. They ended up taking a punch biopsy and giving me stitches! Nice and comfy before chemo, huh? The chemo itself seemed to make me pretty nauseous so I slept through most of it. Then I slept in the car on the way home and then I got into bed at 3:30pm and slept straight through (except for the every few hour bathroom break) until 7:30am. It felt so good to sleep like that.
Friday I wasn't feeling too good all day but knew we had to go back in for my nuelasta shot and more hydration (they left my port all attached rather than repoking me). It was a struggle to get up there but once we were there it was okay. The hydration did make me feel better and by the time we left I had a craving for thai food. So we went to fill all my new prescriptions and eat a little thai - which totally hit the spot! We got home that night and I barely made it through a movie before I was crawling into bed around 9:00.
Yesterday I felt kind of useless all day. I wasn't much good for anything. Rene has been in mad "weekend warrior" mode trying to get our backyard party ready for the upcoming festivities this June. My mom & sister are doing the Rock & Roll Marathon here in San Diego to raise money for the Luekemia & Lymphoma Society. In fact any of you who haven't gotten their letter or email about it can link here to find out more and donate!!! Team in Training
I can't tell you all how grateful I am to have either met some of you through this illness or have kept you through this illness. This is truely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I couldn't have done it alone. My family and my true friends really do make life worth living! I love you all so much!
One more treatment left to go and then a break before radiation starts...
Thursday we went to see a dermatologit prior to chemo for these weird rashes I have all over. They ended up taking a punch biopsy and giving me stitches! Nice and comfy before chemo, huh? The chemo itself seemed to make me pretty nauseous so I slept through most of it. Then I slept in the car on the way home and then I got into bed at 3:30pm and slept straight through (except for the every few hour bathroom break) until 7:30am. It felt so good to sleep like that.
Friday I wasn't feeling too good all day but knew we had to go back in for my nuelasta shot and more hydration (they left my port all attached rather than repoking me). It was a struggle to get up there but once we were there it was okay. The hydration did make me feel better and by the time we left I had a craving for thai food. So we went to fill all my new prescriptions and eat a little thai - which totally hit the spot! We got home that night and I barely made it through a movie before I was crawling into bed around 9:00.
Yesterday I felt kind of useless all day. I wasn't much good for anything. Rene has been in mad "weekend warrior" mode trying to get our backyard party ready for the upcoming festivities this June. My mom & sister are doing the Rock & Roll Marathon here in San Diego to raise money for the Luekemia & Lymphoma Society. In fact any of you who haven't gotten their letter or email about it can link here to find out more and donate!!! Team in Training
I can't tell you all how grateful I am to have either met some of you through this illness or have kept you through this illness. This is truely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I couldn't have done it alone. My family and my true friends really do make life worth living! I love you all so much!
One more treatment left to go and then a break before radiation starts...
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
28) BOB IS GONE!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!! I actually did it! I kicked Bob's ass!!!!!
We got the result of my latest PET/CT scan and there is no sign of cancer at all!!!!!! I still have to finish my last 2 treatments but Bob is gone. My next treatment is on thursday. And then there will only be 1 left!
I cannot express to you all just how much your suport and love and postings for me and my family have helped me get through all of this. I am absolutely sobbing right now after reading all the new posts after my mom undoubtedly shouted to the world that I'm cancer-free. I am so overwhelmed with love right now I don't know what to say!
Thank you thank you thank you - a million times thank you!!!!
We got the result of my latest PET/CT scan and there is no sign of cancer at all!!!!!! I still have to finish my last 2 treatments but Bob is gone. My next treatment is on thursday. And then there will only be 1 left!
I cannot express to you all just how much your suport and love and postings for me and my family have helped me get through all of this. I am absolutely sobbing right now after reading all the new posts after my mom undoubtedly shouted to the world that I'm cancer-free. I am so overwhelmed with love right now I don't know what to say!
Thank you thank you thank you - a million times thank you!!!!
Friday, April 01, 2005
27) I need help!
Hello everyone...
I am now at the home stretch of this fight against Bob and I find it harder and harder to muster up the strength to get through this. You all call me brave or strong but I don't feel it anymore. Now more than ever before I need to hear from all of you that are reading this! Some of you have been reading this blog since I was first diagnosed but I have yet to hear from you or I haven't heard from you since the begining. Where as I appreciate everyone's support, unless I actually hear from you - I don't know you're there. Please just find it in your schedule to jot me a little comment here or email me (heathersilva@cox.net). It takes so much energy these days to do anything - much less track people down for support. This is when I call in all my favors and ask for all your love and support. I'm desperate!
I'm not feeling good as each treatment is cummulative and the after affects get a little worse each time. In the begining I used to start to feel better in about 5-6 days after treatment - these days I feel better usually about 2 days before my next treatment (if I'm lucky). You can't possible know how draining that is on my psyche, my energy, my sense of humor, and my strength to beat this.
I had a PET/CT scan yesterday and I will find out the results next Tuesday but the anticipation of not knowing is killing me. I'll be pleasantly distracted this weekend by taxes and my neice coming for a visit. But underneath it all I'm just dying to know the results.
I'm sorry to sound so pathetic but I'm strugglimg and I need my peeps!
I am now at the home stretch of this fight against Bob and I find it harder and harder to muster up the strength to get through this. You all call me brave or strong but I don't feel it anymore. Now more than ever before I need to hear from all of you that are reading this! Some of you have been reading this blog since I was first diagnosed but I have yet to hear from you or I haven't heard from you since the begining. Where as I appreciate everyone's support, unless I actually hear from you - I don't know you're there. Please just find it in your schedule to jot me a little comment here or email me (heathersilva@cox.net). It takes so much energy these days to do anything - much less track people down for support. This is when I call in all my favors and ask for all your love and support. I'm desperate!
I'm not feeling good as each treatment is cummulative and the after affects get a little worse each time. In the begining I used to start to feel better in about 5-6 days after treatment - these days I feel better usually about 2 days before my next treatment (if I'm lucky). You can't possible know how draining that is on my psyche, my energy, my sense of humor, and my strength to beat this.
I had a PET/CT scan yesterday and I will find out the results next Tuesday but the anticipation of not knowing is killing me. I'll be pleasantly distracted this weekend by taxes and my neice coming for a visit. But underneath it all I'm just dying to know the results.
I'm sorry to sound so pathetic but I'm strugglimg and I need my peeps!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
26) #6 is in the past - I see the morning light
Sorry its been so long since my last post. Frankly it gets kind of boring saying the same things: nauseaus, weak, bone pain, can't sleep, can't poop, blah, blah, blah.
This treatment did go quite a bit better than we had anticipated though. My WBC was pretty good (9.9) going into chemo. I had been getting a rash during my last down time which ended up really flaring up right before chemo. Patty (my NP) thought that there could be 2 things happening a) a food allergy (not surprised as I have had this before and b) maybe shingles. She referred me to a dermatologist but now that I'm feeling well enough to make that appointment my rashes are all gone. Isn't that how it works?
I've missed a lot of work this treatment but I needed to for the better good of my treatment. I got a good solid 6 hours of sleep last night with the help of ativan & ambien. Hopefully my bone pain will be all but gone throughout the day and I can actually be a productive part of my employment.
I have an appointment on Thursday for a PET/CT scan to re-stage my cancer. I guess its the latest technology that combines a PET scan and a CT scan to reduce the time in half. I have a feeling its going to be a long week until thursday. Then we find out the results the following Tuesday - DDay! Thank god I'll have the taxes to do that weekend to keep my mind off of the wait. I'll keep you all posted as I know more info.
For now I'm just trying to be me the best I remember :)
This treatment did go quite a bit better than we had anticipated though. My WBC was pretty good (9.9) going into chemo. I had been getting a rash during my last down time which ended up really flaring up right before chemo. Patty (my NP) thought that there could be 2 things happening a) a food allergy (not surprised as I have had this before and b) maybe shingles. She referred me to a dermatologist but now that I'm feeling well enough to make that appointment my rashes are all gone. Isn't that how it works?
I've missed a lot of work this treatment but I needed to for the better good of my treatment. I got a good solid 6 hours of sleep last night with the help of ativan & ambien. Hopefully my bone pain will be all but gone throughout the day and I can actually be a productive part of my employment.
I have an appointment on Thursday for a PET/CT scan to re-stage my cancer. I guess its the latest technology that combines a PET scan and a CT scan to reduce the time in half. I have a feeling its going to be a long week until thursday. Then we find out the results the following Tuesday - DDay! Thank god I'll have the taxes to do that weekend to keep my mind off of the wait. I'll keep you all posted as I know more info.
For now I'm just trying to be me the best I remember :)
Friday, March 18, 2005
25) Ahhhh, sleep!
I actually got 8 hours of sleep last night. That is the first time in quite a while! It took lots of stomach meds, 10mg of Ambien, a heating pad, and Rene sleeping in the other room - but I got it!
Today marks my 5th day at work in a row, so I'm feeling pretty good about my contribution. I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day (in fact, Rene had to pick me up last night) but the fact that I've made it everday feels really good.
I've been struggling with cramping all week and nothing really takes it away. I have a ever expanding rash all over my hands and a spot on my shoulder & stomach. Chemo is just so weird how it affects the body. I'm not looking forward to my second part of cycle 3 next week but at least after that I will 75% done with it all.
I'm getting REALLY bored with cancer, chemo, my body not feeling good, and this whole part of my life and I'm ready for the next step. Hope everyone is doing good.
Today marks my 5th day at work in a row, so I'm feeling pretty good about my contribution. I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day (in fact, Rene had to pick me up last night) but the fact that I've made it everday feels really good.
I've been struggling with cramping all week and nothing really takes it away. I have a ever expanding rash all over my hands and a spot on my shoulder & stomach. Chemo is just so weird how it affects the body. I'm not looking forward to my second part of cycle 3 next week but at least after that I will 75% done with it all.
I'm getting REALLY bored with cancer, chemo, my body not feeling good, and this whole part of my life and I'm ready for the next step. Hope everyone is doing good.
Friday, March 11, 2005
24) Chemo #5 has left the building!
5 down, 3 to go.
This one, so far, has not been too bad. I went in to get my nuelasta shot today and a big bag of hydration w/ a kick of ativan. I was able to actually eat lunch afterwards, too.
Tomorrow the bone pain should kick in and I think my period might be coming again. In the words of my faithful leader, Dr. Adler, "Neat." I guess it is good that my reproductive system is still functioning normally for babies and whatnot.
Mom & Aunt Joan are coming tomorrow to visit for a couple of days. My mom has been in Mexico for the past month, through my worst treatment. I have some issues about her even going in the first place, but if she had to go at all, why so long.
Everything happens for a reason though and in this regard not having my mother around helped bring Rene and I closer together. He is THE most amazing companion I could have ever ended up with. He loves me so unconditionally and he has really stepped up to the proverbial plate to take care of me in my most neediest of times. He has shown such amazing strength and courage through all of this and I am so thankful to him.
So I'm staying on top of the constipation so far. Lets hope and pray I can continue to be the master of my bowels throughout this next week. If I can stay ahead of this then maybe I can actually have a life next week instead of living in hell like last time.
This one, so far, has not been too bad. I went in to get my nuelasta shot today and a big bag of hydration w/ a kick of ativan. I was able to actually eat lunch afterwards, too.
Tomorrow the bone pain should kick in and I think my period might be coming again. In the words of my faithful leader, Dr. Adler, "Neat." I guess it is good that my reproductive system is still functioning normally for babies and whatnot.
Mom & Aunt Joan are coming tomorrow to visit for a couple of days. My mom has been in Mexico for the past month, through my worst treatment. I have some issues about her even going in the first place, but if she had to go at all, why so long.
Everything happens for a reason though and in this regard not having my mother around helped bring Rene and I closer together. He is THE most amazing companion I could have ever ended up with. He loves me so unconditionally and he has really stepped up to the proverbial plate to take care of me in my most neediest of times. He has shown such amazing strength and courage through all of this and I am so thankful to him.
So I'm staying on top of the constipation so far. Lets hope and pray I can continue to be the master of my bowels throughout this next week. If I can stay ahead of this then maybe I can actually have a life next week instead of living in hell like last time.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
23) This has been the hardest treatment!
Sorry to everyone whom I haven't returned phone calls to or emailed. This, by far, has been the hardest treatment.
I have been plagued with nauseau and constipation for over a week. I practically lived at my cancer center all week getting fluids and anti-nauseau cocktails. I don't know what I would do without the love and support of those nurses. Thank you so much to all of you: Annie, Theresa, AJ, Patty, and Rachael (hope you like the book). You all give me such strength when I don't have any left.
I missed work all week, which kills me! My damn work ethic is driving my guilt levels through the roof. In fact I left my car at work on Tuesday and haven't seen it since.
I'm finally feeling at least alive today, which is a huge improvement. But I'm still experiencing extreme cramping so I'm pretty house bound. I'm hoping by tomorrow I can at least go pick up my car at work.
I feel like I've lost my sense of humor about Bob, now I'm just mad! I will fight this! I cannot live like this forever. Bob will be dead by summer - end of discussion!
I have been plagued with nauseau and constipation for over a week. I practically lived at my cancer center all week getting fluids and anti-nauseau cocktails. I don't know what I would do without the love and support of those nurses. Thank you so much to all of you: Annie, Theresa, AJ, Patty, and Rachael (hope you like the book). You all give me such strength when I don't have any left.
I missed work all week, which kills me! My damn work ethic is driving my guilt levels through the roof. In fact I left my car at work on Tuesday and haven't seen it since.
I'm finally feeling at least alive today, which is a huge improvement. But I'm still experiencing extreme cramping so I'm pretty house bound. I'm hoping by tomorrow I can at least go pick up my car at work.
I feel like I've lost my sense of humor about Bob, now I'm just mad! I will fight this! I cannot live like this forever. Bob will be dead by summer - end of discussion!
Friday, February 25, 2005
22) Half Way Point!
So despite feeling rather crappy up until Tusday this week, I'm at a great place.
We had a meeting/follow-up with Dr. Adler on Tuesday and he was extremely encouraged by by consistantly normal ranged white blood cell counts. He even made mention that he thought at this point the cancer was most likely gone and that we would confirm that with CT Scan & PET Scan after my 3rd cycle. Naturally that was amazing news to here from an experience oncologist. I was just telling Deedra (my SIL) on Saturday that my gut told me it was gone. Weird. So naturally I'm happy about this but it doesn't make chemo any easier, maybe even harder - emotionally that it.
I had chemo #4 yesterday which makes me half way through (Sorry, Sarah I guess I'm a small step ahead of you). It was my hardest time with it too. On my first port access attempt they couldn't get any blood out of me, which was odd. They moved it around a lot but nothing. So another nurse had to come in try again. This time it worked - thank god! I got pretty naseaus while I was there and turned white as a ghost. They gave me some benadryl & more ativan and that made me really sleepy. Rene & Holly both went with me to treatment. They both got massages while there and right when I was feeling a little jealous another massage therapist cam in and gave me an amazing foot massage. After all we eneded up being there for almost 5 hours. I pretty much fought the naseau all night. Took my meds and Holly climbed in bed with me to rub my back and talk while I cried a little. She was exctly what I needed - so gentle! Thank you Holly!
On the way to the cancer center yesterday our car broke down too. Rene was gone during most of treatment trying to get that fixed - turns out its going to cost about $1100. Yeah cause we need that right now.
Feeling nauseau again today but we're going to try to take a walk before having to go up for me Nuelasta shot late afternoon. Bring on the pain meds!!
We had a meeting/follow-up with Dr. Adler on Tuesday and he was extremely encouraged by by consistantly normal ranged white blood cell counts. He even made mention that he thought at this point the cancer was most likely gone and that we would confirm that with CT Scan & PET Scan after my 3rd cycle. Naturally that was amazing news to here from an experience oncologist. I was just telling Deedra (my SIL) on Saturday that my gut told me it was gone. Weird. So naturally I'm happy about this but it doesn't make chemo any easier, maybe even harder - emotionally that it.
I had chemo #4 yesterday which makes me half way through (Sorry, Sarah I guess I'm a small step ahead of you). It was my hardest time with it too. On my first port access attempt they couldn't get any blood out of me, which was odd. They moved it around a lot but nothing. So another nurse had to come in try again. This time it worked - thank god! I got pretty naseaus while I was there and turned white as a ghost. They gave me some benadryl & more ativan and that made me really sleepy. Rene & Holly both went with me to treatment. They both got massages while there and right when I was feeling a little jealous another massage therapist cam in and gave me an amazing foot massage. After all we eneded up being there for almost 5 hours. I pretty much fought the naseau all night. Took my meds and Holly climbed in bed with me to rub my back and talk while I cried a little. She was exctly what I needed - so gentle! Thank you Holly!
On the way to the cancer center yesterday our car broke down too. Rene was gone during most of treatment trying to get that fixed - turns out its going to cost about $1100. Yeah cause we need that right now.
Feeling nauseau again today but we're going to try to take a walk before having to go up for me Nuelasta shot late afternoon. Bring on the pain meds!!
Saturday, February 19, 2005
21) Starting the up swing...finally
So this week has been kind of a struggle. I've been plagued by gastrointestinal madness. I went in to do my weekly blood work on thursday and ended up talking with a Marraige & Family Therapist at the cancer center. She was awesome and I was shocked at how much I really do need someone to talk to. She thought some couples sessions with Rene & I was really mandatory too, so hopefully we'll be seeing her together next week. My blood work was pretty much the same but I made an appointment to see Patty the NP for my GI stuff the following day. Thursday night I had the absolutelt worst night of sleep. My stomach was aching so bad all night I tossed and turned, looking at the clock at almost hour intervals. Needless to say, Friday I woke up feeling like shit. Rene drove me to the center for my appt with Patty. I talked with her about everything and what meds I can try to relieve this discomfort now and next time. I have also developed a rash in the shape of a small round band-aid right where the small round band-aid covered up my nuelasta shot last friday. She wasn't quite sure about that but suggested that I not get a band-aid next time and see what happens. But, on the way home I started to notice the same type of rash creeping up on my fingers, specifically on my knuckles. Its itchy! I hate itchy!! I pretty much felt like shit the rest of the day. Took a nap for a while and then watched tv. Rene and I went to see a movie just before the dinner crowd. He was worried I wouldn't make it through, but I managed. We saw "Million Dollar Baby" and it was so moving! It took everything inside of me not to make sobbing sounds while I cried. I know I wasn't alone because I distinctly heard someone else slip with their sobs. I was all for Jamie Foxx winning the oscar but if Clint takes it I won't be disappointed. That's about all for now. Hopefully over the next couple of days I will be feeling back to my old self.
Monday, February 14, 2005
20) Happy Valentine's Day
So this time around has been sooooo much better than my previous treatments.
For starters, last thursday was chemo day. Rene and I brought the laptop so we could watch a movie (Half Baked) and we eneded up laughing our way through treatment. I didn't even realize I was getting medicated. Treatment was a breeze, in and out in 3 hours. Mom showed up that night and we went out to chineese food (of course I only had rice & cream cheese wontons).
Friday I went in for my nuelasta shot and stayed for a few hours to get some hydration and ativan. I was feeling much better by the time we got through all the rush hour traffic and got home.
Saturday I woke up aching all over. Even my boobs were hurting - I don't get it - I don't have bones in my boobs! It even hurt to get a hug. I felt like a kind of comic book character or X-men whose mutation was that they couldn't have touch. It really kind of sucked but as long as I wasn't touching anything I felt fine. I seemed to eat pretty regularly all day too.
Sunday I was craving a salad from CPK so we went to the mall. Sure enough, the salad totally hit the spot. We shopped for a little bit and then went to the beach. We saw a $3.6 million open house and decided to take a look. It was so cool - I love doing that kind of stuff and so does mom. Rene was probably a little embarrassed but oh well, when else do you get to see the inside of a house like that? On the way home I just about passed out in the car. By the time we got home I could barely function. I layed on the sofa and passed out COLD for almost 2 hours. The whole weekend I started to get this mouth thing happening. It felt like a combo of pain and tingling and numbness running down my tongue. It was pretty miserable but tolerable since that and fatigue were all I was feeling. Mom left last night and is now in Mexico for the next 4 weeks (yikes). I found out that my mouth thing is thrush (a yeast infection of the mouth) and I got some meds that are already working.
I went to work today but was pretty exhausted by the time I got home. Rene got me some beautiful stargazer lilies and made me a the yummiest macaroni & cheese from scratch. All while I took an amazing bath with candles and my book. I took an ativan & vicodine and watched fear factor - it was a good night. I've been pretty constipated since treatment but am hoping to relieve that with some Phillip's tonight.
To make a long story short...I'm dealing. No ups, no downs, just dealing.
For starters, last thursday was chemo day. Rene and I brought the laptop so we could watch a movie (Half Baked) and we eneded up laughing our way through treatment. I didn't even realize I was getting medicated. Treatment was a breeze, in and out in 3 hours. Mom showed up that night and we went out to chineese food (of course I only had rice & cream cheese wontons).
Friday I went in for my nuelasta shot and stayed for a few hours to get some hydration and ativan. I was feeling much better by the time we got through all the rush hour traffic and got home.
Saturday I woke up aching all over. Even my boobs were hurting - I don't get it - I don't have bones in my boobs! It even hurt to get a hug. I felt like a kind of comic book character or X-men whose mutation was that they couldn't have touch. It really kind of sucked but as long as I wasn't touching anything I felt fine. I seemed to eat pretty regularly all day too.
Sunday I was craving a salad from CPK so we went to the mall. Sure enough, the salad totally hit the spot. We shopped for a little bit and then went to the beach. We saw a $3.6 million open house and decided to take a look. It was so cool - I love doing that kind of stuff and so does mom. Rene was probably a little embarrassed but oh well, when else do you get to see the inside of a house like that? On the way home I just about passed out in the car. By the time we got home I could barely function. I layed on the sofa and passed out COLD for almost 2 hours. The whole weekend I started to get this mouth thing happening. It felt like a combo of pain and tingling and numbness running down my tongue. It was pretty miserable but tolerable since that and fatigue were all I was feeling. Mom left last night and is now in Mexico for the next 4 weeks (yikes). I found out that my mouth thing is thrush (a yeast infection of the mouth) and I got some meds that are already working.
I went to work today but was pretty exhausted by the time I got home. Rene got me some beautiful stargazer lilies and made me a the yummiest macaroni & cheese from scratch. All while I took an amazing bath with candles and my book. I took an ativan & vicodine and watched fear factor - it was a good night. I've been pretty constipated since treatment but am hoping to relieve that with some Phillip's tonight.
To make a long story short...I'm dealing. No ups, no downs, just dealing.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
19) Free Cookies
Free cookies for those with cancer! I was at the mall yesterday waiting for my pretzel and the lady from Mrs. Field's gave me two free cookies while I waited (the two shared a store). No one else got free cookies while they waited for their food. At first I felt a little awkward, like Maureen's "Cancer Lady", but then I decided to enjoy my cookies. I mean, shit, how often do you get free cookies in life? It wasn't the only special attention I got yesterday at the mall either. Everyone was so much nicer than I ever remember them being. Too bad cancer doesn't get you to the front of the line at Nordstrom Rack!
I know its been a week since I posted last so you're probably thnking that I've been pretty boring since then. Sort of. Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment (standard follow-up) and by the time I got there I was pretty nauseous and ended up puking my guts out. Two different nurses tried to access my port (for labs, meds, and fluids) three times unsuccessfully. They eventually just IVed my arm. I never did feel too much better though. Thursday I was struggling a bit by afternoon with dizziness, fatigue, and general discomfort. I had an apointment to have my wig fitted and cut. I felt much better after leaving the shop with my new hair, but by the time I got home in hour long traffic I was exhausted and uncomfortable again. Friday morning we had to be at the port doctor's for a port-check and possible replacement of my port - talk about stress! Turns out the doctor was able to access my port using a special xray camera in which I got to see on camera just how long the catherter is that runs from my port. He chalked up the unsuccessful attempts to user error. I still find that hard to believe but who knows. Just to be sure, they are going to access my port the morning of my next treatment so that I don't have to miss any treatments.
To sum it all up, I've been pretty depressed all week. I think its because of (among other obvious reasons) the fact that my brain power is so diminished and I feel like I'm a stoner now. Rene says I don't even articulate conversations anymore and I have really simplified my vocabulary. I guess its too much work to think. That is REALLY depressing to me! I've tried doing word puzzles and the like to keep my brain sharp, but I end up feeling like an idiot. Also, I have this constant discomfort/pain just below my breast. It feels like heartburn/indigestion/gas type stuff but none of my meds (prescription or OTC) seem to relieve it. Its not enough to call the doctor about since they've already told me that they can't take everything away, but it is enough to really make me feel down. I just want to feel normal again. And if all of that isn't enough annoying stuff...I'm starting to REALLY miss my hair! I thought I was cool with the no hair thing, but I'm pretty miserable about it. Not because of how people look at you but because of how freakin' hot (as in temperature) it is to constantly be wearing hats or a wig. I live in San Diego for cryin' out loud. Its spring/summer here year round. Its not like I'm completely bald either. It looks like I'm wearing a yamaka of hair stubble with this peach fuzz type blonde stuff everywhere else. Rene says if I shave it all bald I could sport it but I tend to think only supermodels can pull off a completely bald head. And a supermodel, I am not.
Well that's it for now, I'll be back in chemo land this thursday - whoopie!!
I know its been a week since I posted last so you're probably thnking that I've been pretty boring since then. Sort of. Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment (standard follow-up) and by the time I got there I was pretty nauseous and ended up puking my guts out. Two different nurses tried to access my port (for labs, meds, and fluids) three times unsuccessfully. They eventually just IVed my arm. I never did feel too much better though. Thursday I was struggling a bit by afternoon with dizziness, fatigue, and general discomfort. I had an apointment to have my wig fitted and cut. I felt much better after leaving the shop with my new hair, but by the time I got home in hour long traffic I was exhausted and uncomfortable again. Friday morning we had to be at the port doctor's for a port-check and possible replacement of my port - talk about stress! Turns out the doctor was able to access my port using a special xray camera in which I got to see on camera just how long the catherter is that runs from my port. He chalked up the unsuccessful attempts to user error. I still find that hard to believe but who knows. Just to be sure, they are going to access my port the morning of my next treatment so that I don't have to miss any treatments.
To sum it all up, I've been pretty depressed all week. I think its because of (among other obvious reasons) the fact that my brain power is so diminished and I feel like I'm a stoner now. Rene says I don't even articulate conversations anymore and I have really simplified my vocabulary. I guess its too much work to think. That is REALLY depressing to me! I've tried doing word puzzles and the like to keep my brain sharp, but I end up feeling like an idiot. Also, I have this constant discomfort/pain just below my breast. It feels like heartburn/indigestion/gas type stuff but none of my meds (prescription or OTC) seem to relieve it. Its not enough to call the doctor about since they've already told me that they can't take everything away, but it is enough to really make me feel down. I just want to feel normal again. And if all of that isn't enough annoying stuff...I'm starting to REALLY miss my hair! I thought I was cool with the no hair thing, but I'm pretty miserable about it. Not because of how people look at you but because of how freakin' hot (as in temperature) it is to constantly be wearing hats or a wig. I live in San Diego for cryin' out loud. Its spring/summer here year round. Its not like I'm completely bald either. It looks like I'm wearing a yamaka of hair stubble with this peach fuzz type blonde stuff everywhere else. Rene says if I shave it all bald I could sport it but I tend to think only supermodels can pull off a completely bald head. And a supermodel, I am not.
Well that's it for now, I'll be back in chemo land this thursday - whoopie!!
Sunday, January 30, 2005
18) 5 pounds lighter & takin' charge
Here we go with the hair removal...
HOLY SHIT!!!
Maybe I could do this look?
Me & Rene (although he looks a little more Oingo Boingo).
Alright, I'll take it all off.
Here's the almost final me :) Aren't I gorgeous?!?!?!
Wig pictures to follow after Tuesday's fitting!!
Saturday, January 29, 2005
17) Day 2 after Chemo...
Ok, so I'm relatively alive enough to post. Things went pretty well on thursday with my second treatment. My first of 4 cycles is now complete. My white blood cell count was really strong and I seemed to handle the chemo really well. I stayed on top of my anti-nauseau meds so I haven't really felt sick. Friday I got my Nuelasta shot but had predosed some Aleve so that didn't bother me too much. Today I am weakest but still so much better than last time. I've been dosing the Aleve and vicodine for my pain but I'm still a little achey. I have barely enough energy to catch up on all my emails and post here.
My mom and sister have been such godsends to Rene and I. We can't thank them enough for their generous and hard work. Yesterday before my shot, we stopped at a "boutique for women with cancer" and mom bought me a wig (sooooo generous of her!!). Its a Faye - color Cherry Glaze. Its so cute and so similar to my hair I've had for years. Tuesday I go in to have bangs cut into it. All of this couldn't have happened any sooner as my hair is now falling out in boat loads. Tomorrow night we're going to shave all my hair off and my darling husband says he's going to shave his head with me. I have to do a mohawk first though, just because I can!! I'll make sure to take pics of my punked out style and post it. I'll also post pics of the wigged out me once that gets fitted properly.
That's it for now...floating along in a vicodine trance. To Sarah and Maureen, I hope your treatments went well and you are getting all the love and support that you need! Thank you to everyone for all your love!!
My mom and sister have been such godsends to Rene and I. We can't thank them enough for their generous and hard work. Yesterday before my shot, we stopped at a "boutique for women with cancer" and mom bought me a wig (sooooo generous of her!!). Its a Faye - color Cherry Glaze. Its so cute and so similar to my hair I've had for years. Tuesday I go in to have bangs cut into it. All of this couldn't have happened any sooner as my hair is now falling out in boat loads. Tomorrow night we're going to shave all my hair off and my darling husband says he's going to shave his head with me. I have to do a mohawk first though, just because I can!! I'll make sure to take pics of my punked out style and post it. I'll also post pics of the wigged out me once that gets fitted properly.
That's it for now...floating along in a vicodine trance. To Sarah and Maureen, I hope your treatments went well and you are getting all the love and support that you need! Thank you to everyone for all your love!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
16) 2 days until I leave for chemo land
So I have my next treatment on Thursday this week. I feel absolutely back to my old self today and its great!! But I feel like thursday I'm seeting sail for a trip to chemo land (aka. hell). Thank god my mom flies into town tomorrow night to help out, then Holly comes in on thursday night. I'm so excited to have them here. I noticed that having people around to talk to helped me feel better last time.
That's all for now. Hope everyone is thinking happy thoughts today :)
That's all for now. Hope everyone is thinking happy thoughts today :)
Friday, January 21, 2005
15) Everybody's working for the weekend...
Whooppie!! Its Friday and I actually feel the most normal I've felt since before chemo. Mild and very managable heratburn today. Period slowed also. Rene's working late tonight so I'm finishing things up at work and heading home to my doggies.
As for the past week...Tuesday night I ended up in the ER with excrutiating pain. They doped me up and sent me home to sleep it off. Wednesday I felt mildly better but was very tired and had to go to my final dentist appointment. Thursday was my blood work at the cancer center and an appointment with the NP. I cried a lot but got some really valuable support. My nurse, Rachael, took my blood and gave me meds (for red blood cell boost) all the while making me laugh and forget why I was there. I've decided to change all my chemo treatments to Thursdays since she doesn't work Fridays and I need her on my team.
I'm starting to get a grip on my workload and by doing a little work from home this weekend I should get myself caught up in time for chemo again.
Deedra (my sister-in-law) is coming over tomorrow to help me out around the house but I'll probably make us quit by lunch time so we can eat & maybe see a movie :)
Hope all my Hodgkin's friends are feeling as good as I am right now. The one thing we must not loose sight of is..."this too shall pass". Three days ago I thought I would never feel this good again.
As for the past week...Tuesday night I ended up in the ER with excrutiating pain. They doped me up and sent me home to sleep it off. Wednesday I felt mildly better but was very tired and had to go to my final dentist appointment. Thursday was my blood work at the cancer center and an appointment with the NP. I cried a lot but got some really valuable support. My nurse, Rachael, took my blood and gave me meds (for red blood cell boost) all the while making me laugh and forget why I was there. I've decided to change all my chemo treatments to Thursdays since she doesn't work Fridays and I need her on my team.
I'm starting to get a grip on my workload and by doing a little work from home this weekend I should get myself caught up in time for chemo again.
Deedra (my sister-in-law) is coming over tomorrow to help me out around the house but I'll probably make us quit by lunch time so we can eat & maybe see a movie :)
Hope all my Hodgkin's friends are feeling as good as I am right now. The one thing we must not loose sight of is..."this too shall pass". Three days ago I thought I would never feel this good again.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
14) When it rains, it pours
Last night I couldn't take it anymore. The pain in my diaphram was excrutiating and I was having EXTREME woman issues. Finally at about 10ish we went to the ER. They did a pelvic exam and for the second time in two years they ruled this "dysfunctional uterine bleeding" (aka unknown) but the doc thought it was probably caused by the chemo. They put me on an IV drip with some pain meds that knocked me out and we were home by 12:30 with no answers. I have nuclear gas (keep taking prevacid
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
13) I spoke too soon...
The morning started out great until about 9am. Then the heartburn was back. I finally called my doctor's office and they prescribed me some meds for that and also for pain & sleeping (for next treatment). I just took one of the heartburn meds so I hope that kicks in soon. I have my final dentist appointment tomorrow and blood work on Thursday. So I might not have too many updates after this.
12) If its not one thing...
So I took a vicodine before bed last night and had the best night sleep I've had since before chemo. I woke up fresh, happy, and most importantly pain-free!! But then I went to the bathroom and...I got my period! Are you kidding me?!?!?!? I have to believe that life only gives you what it knows you can handle. Today is another day and depsite Aunt Flow, I'm feeling much better!!
Everyone have a beautiful day!! Love & Kisses to you all!!
Everyone have a beautiful day!! Love & Kisses to you all!!
Monday, January 17, 2005
11) Aaaahhhh! Heartburn!!
Okay, so I'm having the most insane nuclear heartburn in the world!! Seriously, this is crazy. It has to have something to do with my bone pain in my chest because all my nausea is gone.
Today was pretty good for my first day back to work after chemo. I had a great appointment with my biopsy doctor. He gave me a hug as I left and wished me well. He told me he was even going to "check out my new doctor to make sure he was good enough for me." :)
Then I was off to work...it was an abnormal day at the office as there was a district meeting in house all day so it was a little distracting. No biggy. I got a good grasp on my projects and was welcomed back by my coworkers warmly.
My port has been bothering me the past couple of days, I think I'm going to call those folks tomorrow and have them take a look at it.
I also think I'm going to call my oncologist to ask about bone pain meds, better/different nausea meds (for next time), and most importantly some sleeping pills. I think that's why I'm struggling to get back to normal is that I'm not getting a good night's sleep. Tossing & turning sucks!
Thank you to everyone for posting and sending me your love! It means so much to me to see your kind words!!
Today was pretty good for my first day back to work after chemo. I had a great appointment with my biopsy doctor. He gave me a hug as I left and wished me well. He told me he was even going to "check out my new doctor to make sure he was good enough for me." :)
Then I was off to work...it was an abnormal day at the office as there was a district meeting in house all day so it was a little distracting. No biggy. I got a good grasp on my projects and was welcomed back by my coworkers warmly.
My port has been bothering me the past couple of days, I think I'm going to call those folks tomorrow and have them take a look at it.
I also think I'm going to call my oncologist to ask about bone pain meds, better/different nausea meds (for next time), and most importantly some sleeping pills. I think that's why I'm struggling to get back to normal is that I'm not getting a good night's sleep. Tossing & turning sucks!
Thank you to everyone for posting and sending me your love! It means so much to me to see your kind words!!
Sunday, January 16, 2005
10) New Temporary Haircut
My new hair cut...at least until it all falls out. Also, check out my adorable new PINK eyeglasses. They are so me!
9) Trial Monday failed!
Okay, so they wanted me to do my chemo on a Thursday in case I needed to see a doctor the day after, which I didn't. From here on out I was planning on switching my chemo days to Friday with the thought that by Monday I would be able to be back at work. So today is my trial Monday and it's much better than yesterday but a far cry from "chemo, what chemo?" I'm really tried and weak and my bones are achey. My hip bones are killing me. I feel like I'm 80 years old. None of these symptoms are from the chemo, they're from the white blood cell booster. Shit, can't I just eat a salad or something??? I'm still mildly nauseous but not enough to take woo-woo drugs over. I'd rather deal with the tummy and be awake than constantly in this chemo fog. I did a lot today...went to the store twice, took a bath, made my own lunch (huge step). Now I'm just waiting for the Golden Globes to start. Tomorrow I have a follow up with Dr. Kramer, my ENT surgeon, and then I go back to work. It will be nice to get out of the house.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
8) Day Three - Cancer Sucks!
So the first night of chemo was a tragedy. I made a grave error in judgement that I hesitate to post... I gave into my big weakness and ate a huge piece of chocolate cake and paid for it all night. Suffice it to say I have sworn off chocolate cake FOREVER (but don't hold me to that once I'm all better).
Day two I woke up feeling pretty good. Rene and I took the dogs and went down to Balboa Park for an hour long walk. It felt so good. The sun was shining and the air was brisk. Man, San Diego is pretty awesome. We came back and I was able to eat a banana, an egg, and an english muffin. Then I pretty much sat around all day, then went next door to the Ryan's and told them about my predicament. Rene had an appointment at 2 and I was scheduled for my Nuelasta shot was at 3:45. We drove through rush hour traffic to get up to the Cancer Center in Encinitas. The drive sucked because we had the day off and still had to go through that monstrosity of Friday commute. They gave me the shot, in the back of my upper arm! ouch! Then Rene took me to one of my favorite pizza joints Oggi's. Two hours after my shot i was overwhelmed with nausea, i clocked out around 6:30.
Day three has been the worse. After sleeping for 14 hours I woke up feeling lousy. Rene and I walked down to the store to get some water. The walk back up the hill was another lesson in trying to do too much too soon. After half an egg and a short trip to the bank i was ready for more sleep. The Nuelasta is a drug that boost the production of white blood cells, and this happens in the bone marrow. So most of the flat bones in my body ache; my hips and shoulders are very sore. I am so weak that i can barely hold mself up. I did get a call from the massage school and they asked if i could come in for a massage around three thirty today, it could have come at a better time. Im signing off for today.
Day two I woke up feeling pretty good. Rene and I took the dogs and went down to Balboa Park for an hour long walk. It felt so good. The sun was shining and the air was brisk. Man, San Diego is pretty awesome. We came back and I was able to eat a banana, an egg, and an english muffin. Then I pretty much sat around all day, then went next door to the Ryan's and told them about my predicament. Rene had an appointment at 2 and I was scheduled for my Nuelasta shot was at 3:45. We drove through rush hour traffic to get up to the Cancer Center in Encinitas. The drive sucked because we had the day off and still had to go through that monstrosity of Friday commute. They gave me the shot, in the back of my upper arm! ouch! Then Rene took me to one of my favorite pizza joints Oggi's. Two hours after my shot i was overwhelmed with nausea, i clocked out around 6:30.
Day three has been the worse. After sleeping for 14 hours I woke up feeling lousy. Rene and I walked down to the store to get some water. The walk back up the hill was another lesson in trying to do too much too soon. After half an egg and a short trip to the bank i was ready for more sleep. The Nuelasta is a drug that boost the production of white blood cells, and this happens in the bone marrow. So most of the flat bones in my body ache; my hips and shoulders are very sore. I am so weak that i can barely hold mself up. I did get a call from the massage school and they asked if i could come in for a massage around three thirty today, it could have come at a better time. Im signing off for today.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
7) First Day of Chemo
Well today was day one of my attack on Bob...
The center where I'm getting treatment is like a day spa, and as you all know me, aesthetics are everything. My nurse, Rachel, was so great! She reminded me of Molly Shannon from SNL. She giggled and was silly but very compassionate and helpful at the same time. I truly ended up in the right place. If it weren't for my mom's persistence in finding me a new doctor, I never would have known that cancer treatment could be this cool! Rene even got a 20 minute massage. They have a grant that pays for massages for patients and their caregivers. Is that cool or what? We got to pick out our seats and we were in these totally cool, modern recliners (not the barc-o-lounger variety). I had my shall/scarf that mom gave me for Christmas wrapped around me for mom comfort and Rene set me up with a heating pad and a pillow. I was all snuggled up. I'm thinking I want to get a teddy bear or something soft (a Frida replacement-since I can't bring her) to hold with me during treatments - is that childish?
The smartest thing I did was get the port installed in my chest. It's still a little sore since I only got it on Monday, but they put the needle in and I didn't feel a thing the rest of the day. By next time it should be all healed up so it won't hurt as bad. Its pretty trippy though to watch them take blood from your chest.
Okay, so I'm sure you're all wondering how I'm feeling...To tell the truth, this is a walk in the park compared to what I was prepared for. Mom says, "Expect the best, prepare for the best." They gave my a benadryl for any allergy I might have to any of the meds and they also gave me anti-nausea medicine. Both of these combined made it impossible to compete against a sober person in a game of Scrabble. Right now (over 4 hours after treatment) I think most of the discomfort I'm feeling is due to coming off of those woo-woo meds. I'm just kind of tired but can't sleep. I'm supposed to take this anti-nausea medicine at 8 tonight to ward off anything during the night and then I have other meds to take throughout the day tomorrow and the next day if I need them.
Tomorrow I go back to have a Nuelasta shot, which helps boost my white blood count so I'm not susceptible to infection. That med is supposed to make my bones ache as its causing my bone marrow to kick into high gear. I guess I can chalk tomorrow night up to a Friday night at home :)
Thank you to everyone for all your words of encouragement and you phone calls. I heard a good analogy today that seemed to fit really well for how I'm "dealing" with this. I'm like a duck...On top of the water I look fine, just cruising along but under the water my little feet are madly paddling. I do feel strong, especially with the great people I have in my life but I'm going to be honest - this isn't easy. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I wonder sometimes if its all hit me yet.
Mom and Holly (my darling sister for those of you that don't know) are coming down for my next treatment on Jan. 28. I'm so excited to see them and have them there with me. I know it will ease there minds when they see the kind of place I'm getting treatment from.
The center where I'm getting treatment is like a day spa, and as you all know me, aesthetics are everything. My nurse, Rachel, was so great! She reminded me of Molly Shannon from SNL. She giggled and was silly but very compassionate and helpful at the same time. I truly ended up in the right place. If it weren't for my mom's persistence in finding me a new doctor, I never would have known that cancer treatment could be this cool! Rene even got a 20 minute massage. They have a grant that pays for massages for patients and their caregivers. Is that cool or what? We got to pick out our seats and we were in these totally cool, modern recliners (not the barc-o-lounger variety). I had my shall/scarf that mom gave me for Christmas wrapped around me for mom comfort and Rene set me up with a heating pad and a pillow. I was all snuggled up. I'm thinking I want to get a teddy bear or something soft (a Frida replacement-since I can't bring her) to hold with me during treatments - is that childish?
The smartest thing I did was get the port installed in my chest. It's still a little sore since I only got it on Monday, but they put the needle in and I didn't feel a thing the rest of the day. By next time it should be all healed up so it won't hurt as bad. Its pretty trippy though to watch them take blood from your chest.
Okay, so I'm sure you're all wondering how I'm feeling...To tell the truth, this is a walk in the park compared to what I was prepared for. Mom says, "Expect the best, prepare for the best." They gave my a benadryl for any allergy I might have to any of the meds and they also gave me anti-nausea medicine. Both of these combined made it impossible to compete against a sober person in a game of Scrabble. Right now (over 4 hours after treatment) I think most of the discomfort I'm feeling is due to coming off of those woo-woo meds. I'm just kind of tired but can't sleep. I'm supposed to take this anti-nausea medicine at 8 tonight to ward off anything during the night and then I have other meds to take throughout the day tomorrow and the next day if I need them.
Tomorrow I go back to have a Nuelasta shot, which helps boost my white blood count so I'm not susceptible to infection. That med is supposed to make my bones ache as its causing my bone marrow to kick into high gear. I guess I can chalk tomorrow night up to a Friday night at home :)
Thank you to everyone for all your words of encouragement and you phone calls. I heard a good analogy today that seemed to fit really well for how I'm "dealing" with this. I'm like a duck...On top of the water I look fine, just cruising along but under the water my little feet are madly paddling. I do feel strong, especially with the great people I have in my life but I'm going to be honest - this isn't easy. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I wonder sometimes if its all hit me yet.
Mom and Holly (my darling sister for those of you that don't know) are coming down for my next treatment on Jan. 28. I'm so excited to see them and have them there with me. I know it will ease there minds when they see the kind of place I'm getting treatment from.
Monday, January 10, 2005
6) Bob Update
Sorry it's been so long but I've actually been so busy lately. Here is the latest update of my quest for a Bob-free me!
When I last left off I had taken my last CT scan. I was scheduled for an EKG the next day and a pulmonary function test which proved that both my heart and lungs are optimal shape for my height, weight, age, and sex. Good start!
Thursday last week, Rene and I went to "chemo class" with the head nurse at our clinic. It was very informative. We learned how to read my entire blood work report and what to look for in the numbers and which drugs help which deficiencies. She also gave us an entire binder full of a report on the exact drugs and dosages that I will be having with print outs of info packets on each drug. The binder also had my latest blood work and room to add all my reports from before and from now on. She also taught us when my weak and strong days would most likely be and how to schedule my life around those days. I enjoyed meeting fellow cancer folks and I left there with a renewed sense of confidence.
Saturday night Rene wanted to take me out for my "last, big hurrah" before chemo starts. We went out to dinner with a couple of friends and stayed up late talking. It was a really fun night; although we paid for it the next day.
Sunday , Step 1, I got all my haircut off in anticipation of hair loss from the chemo. It's a totally cute style. I was a little nervous about it but I'm so happy with the results.
Today, Step 2, I had a port-a-cath installed in my shoulder. They knocked me out with some fancy sleeping agent and it was a really painless experience. I'm a little sore now but nothing like my surgery had been.
Tomorrow we have an appointment with my oncologist to go over all the final details and I should be starting chemo on Thursday. I'll try to update this tomorrow after meeting with the doctor.
When I last left off I had taken my last CT scan. I was scheduled for an EKG the next day and a pulmonary function test which proved that both my heart and lungs are optimal shape for my height, weight, age, and sex. Good start!
Thursday last week, Rene and I went to "chemo class" with the head nurse at our clinic. It was very informative. We learned how to read my entire blood work report and what to look for in the numbers and which drugs help which deficiencies. She also gave us an entire binder full of a report on the exact drugs and dosages that I will be having with print outs of info packets on each drug. The binder also had my latest blood work and room to add all my reports from before and from now on. She also taught us when my weak and strong days would most likely be and how to schedule my life around those days. I enjoyed meeting fellow cancer folks and I left there with a renewed sense of confidence.
Saturday night Rene wanted to take me out for my "last, big hurrah" before chemo starts. We went out to dinner with a couple of friends and stayed up late talking. It was a really fun night; although we paid for it the next day.
Sunday , Step 1, I got all my haircut off in anticipation of hair loss from the chemo. It's a totally cute style. I was a little nervous about it but I'm so happy with the results.
Today, Step 2, I had a port-a-cath installed in my shoulder. They knocked me out with some fancy sleeping agent and it was a really painless experience. I'm a little sore now but nothing like my surgery had been.
Tomorrow we have an appointment with my oncologist to go over all the final details and I should be starting chemo on Thursday. I'll try to update this tomorrow after meeting with the doctor.
Monday, January 03, 2005
5) I have a new doctor!!
Rene and I went to meet my new doctor this morning and it was awesome!! He was compassionate, warm, funny, and didn't show one bit of doctor pretention.
He told a much lighter tale of my Hodgkin's as well. He agreed that it looks like I am a stage 2 but thought that I was barely a B rating (which is awesome because that suggests that maybe this thing isn't raging throughout my body). He wanted me to have another CT scan (this time on my abdomin & pelvis) just to confirm but was very confident that we wouldn't find anything. The best part is that he didn't see a need for another bone marrow aspiration! Woo-hoo! He also thought that I have probably had this for about a year, which would indicate that it is pretty slow moving. Good thing since it will be a month after diagnosis when I finally start treatment.
So, here's where we're at...I am going to have a combined treatment of chemo and radiation. I will have 4 cycles of ABVD chemo (1 cycle is 2 treatments over 4 weeks) and that will be followed up by radiation (don't know the particulars of that yet). If all goes well, I will be starting my chemo next thursday the 13th. 13 is a strange number for me. My wedding anniversary is the 13th, I was diagnosed on my brother's birthday (the 13th), and now I'll be starting my treatment on the 13th. hmmm....
Before starting my chemo there are more tests that have to be done. I had the CT scan today and had to drink about 32oz. of the grosest carbinated orange juice milkshake stuff - blah. Then they injected me with this crazy stuff that makes you all hot and taste metal (the first CT scan had that too but not the drink). I have an EKG tomorrow followed by a pulmanary test since the first two drugs of my ABVD chemo can damage your heart and your lungs.
Rene and I go to "chemo class" on thursday afternoon to learn all about chemo and what to expect. That should be interesting.
I'm feeling very confident about my new doctor and the treatment I'm going to receive!
Thanks to all of you for your kind words of encouragement! That really helps!!
He told a much lighter tale of my Hodgkin's as well. He agreed that it looks like I am a stage 2 but thought that I was barely a B rating (which is awesome because that suggests that maybe this thing isn't raging throughout my body). He wanted me to have another CT scan (this time on my abdomin & pelvis) just to confirm but was very confident that we wouldn't find anything. The best part is that he didn't see a need for another bone marrow aspiration! Woo-hoo! He also thought that I have probably had this for about a year, which would indicate that it is pretty slow moving. Good thing since it will be a month after diagnosis when I finally start treatment.
So, here's where we're at...I am going to have a combined treatment of chemo and radiation. I will have 4 cycles of ABVD chemo (1 cycle is 2 treatments over 4 weeks) and that will be followed up by radiation (don't know the particulars of that yet). If all goes well, I will be starting my chemo next thursday the 13th. 13 is a strange number for me. My wedding anniversary is the 13th, I was diagnosed on my brother's birthday (the 13th), and now I'll be starting my treatment on the 13th. hmmm....
Before starting my chemo there are more tests that have to be done. I had the CT scan today and had to drink about 32oz. of the grosest carbinated orange juice milkshake stuff - blah. Then they injected me with this crazy stuff that makes you all hot and taste metal (the first CT scan had that too but not the drink). I have an EKG tomorrow followed by a pulmanary test since the first two drugs of my ABVD chemo can damage your heart and your lungs.
Rene and I go to "chemo class" on thursday afternoon to learn all about chemo and what to expect. That should be interesting.
I'm feeling very confident about my new doctor and the treatment I'm going to receive!
Thanks to all of you for your kind words of encouragement! That really helps!!
Sunday, January 02, 2005
4) What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited....
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the Spirit!
--Author Unknown
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the Spirit!
--Author Unknown
3) Description of Bob...
Here is a link to a website I found to be very informative about diagnosis and the different treatments for my Hodgkin's. The subtype I have been diagnosed with is Nodular Sclorosis.
Lymphoma Information Network - Adult Hodgkin's Disease
Lymphoma Information Network - Adult Hodgkin's Disease
2) Happy New Year!
Well, here we are in 2005. I hope everyone had a safe and meaningful new year's celebration. I had a wonderful new year's with Rene and a few close friends at our house.
The last day of the year was emotionally a little hard for me. I couldn't really seem to get off the rollercoaster all day. But by evening time, Rene had started Club Silva, complete with disco ball and dance music, and I was feeling much better. He has such an awesome ability to make me smile!
Tomorrow is our appointment with the new oncologist (Dr. Mark Adler, San Diego Cancer Center). I don't think I've ever been so excited to go to the doctor! I'm hoping that all goes well with him and I'm starting treatment ASAP!! The longer I wait, the stronger Bob is getting and that just CANNOT happen!! I'll let you all know what happens.
The last day of the year was emotionally a little hard for me. I couldn't really seem to get off the rollercoaster all day. But by evening time, Rene had started Club Silva, complete with disco ball and dance music, and I was feeling much better. He has such an awesome ability to make me smile!
Tomorrow is our appointment with the new oncologist (Dr. Mark Adler, San Diego Cancer Center). I don't think I've ever been so excited to go to the doctor! I'm hoping that all goes well with him and I'm starting treatment ASAP!! The longer I wait, the stronger Bob is getting and that just CANNOT happen!! I'll let you all know what happens.
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