Free cookies for those with cancer! I was at the mall yesterday waiting for my pretzel and the lady from Mrs. Field's gave me two free cookies while I waited (the two shared a store). No one else got free cookies while they waited for their food. At first I felt a little awkward, like Maureen's "Cancer Lady", but then I decided to enjoy my cookies. I mean, shit, how often do you get free cookies in life? It wasn't the only special attention I got yesterday at the mall either. Everyone was so much nicer than I ever remember them being. Too bad cancer doesn't get you to the front of the line at Nordstrom Rack!
I know its been a week since I posted last so you're probably thnking that I've been pretty boring since then. Sort of. Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment (standard follow-up) and by the time I got there I was pretty nauseous and ended up puking my guts out. Two different nurses tried to access my port (for labs, meds, and fluids) three times unsuccessfully. They eventually just IVed my arm. I never did feel too much better though. Thursday I was struggling a bit by afternoon with dizziness, fatigue, and general discomfort. I had an apointment to have my wig fitted and cut. I felt much better after leaving the shop with my new hair, but by the time I got home in hour long traffic I was exhausted and uncomfortable again. Friday morning we had to be at the port doctor's for a port-check and possible replacement of my port - talk about stress! Turns out the doctor was able to access my port using a special xray camera in which I got to see on camera just how long the catherter is that runs from my port. He chalked up the unsuccessful attempts to user error. I still find that hard to believe but who knows. Just to be sure, they are going to access my port the morning of my next treatment so that I don't have to miss any treatments.
To sum it all up, I've been pretty depressed all week. I think its because of (among other obvious reasons) the fact that my brain power is so diminished and I feel like I'm a stoner now. Rene says I don't even articulate conversations anymore and I have really simplified my vocabulary. I guess its too much work to think. That is REALLY depressing to me! I've tried doing word puzzles and the like to keep my brain sharp, but I end up feeling like an idiot. Also, I have this constant discomfort/pain just below my breast. It feels like heartburn/indigestion/gas type stuff but none of my meds (prescription or OTC) seem to relieve it. Its not enough to call the doctor about since they've already told me that they can't take everything away, but it is enough to really make me feel down. I just want to feel normal again. And if all of that isn't enough annoying stuff...I'm starting to REALLY miss my hair! I thought I was cool with the no hair thing, but I'm pretty miserable about it. Not because of how people look at you but because of how freakin' hot (as in temperature) it is to constantly be wearing hats or a wig. I live in San Diego for cryin' out loud. Its spring/summer here year round. Its not like I'm completely bald either. It looks like I'm wearing a yamaka of hair stubble with this peach fuzz type blonde stuff everywhere else. Rene says if I shave it all bald I could sport it but I tend to think only supermodels can pull off a completely bald head. And a supermodel, I am not.
Well that's it for now, I'll be back in chemo land this thursday - whoopie!!
Sunday, February 06, 2005
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12 comments:
Heather, all I can say is, "I feel you babe." It just totally sucks to go through this, doesn't it? I'd make some lame joke about at least getting cookies out of the deal....but the cookies ain't worth it!
I'm really sorry to hear about your chemohead stuff. I know that I'm struggling more to find the "right word" now too, as in, "You know, that thing, that....YOU know! The......yeah, THAT's it!! The DOOR JAM! Yeah, that." I know it's only going to get worse too. Oh well, at least we're not alone, right? Your Rene and my Lorraine can be for us the verbal equivalent of seeing eye dogs. "I think what she's trying to say here is....*peering intently into ChemoHead's eyes*.....napkin. That's it, she needs a napkin!" We'll just smile simply and beautifically, and touch them lightly on the arm and then maybe doze off for a moment.
It's a real sonofabitch, but it's finite, you know? We'll get through it. I'm really sorry I didn't see your hair shaving post till today -- AWESOME pic's!!! You are such a hottie! (I said that in the comments for that post.) Seriously, I know you're struggling with the hair thing now -- and I'm sure I will too once I do it (happening soon, as I'm dropping the stuff everywhere.) But you really do look cool. I promise. I'm nice, but I'm not a liar. You know that expression, "A lotta paint'll make it what it ain't" -- well just apply a confident attitude like you would paint or cosmetics, put on a bandana or just tan your scalp a little and work it! I know you have it in you.
I'm rooting for you girl -- we're in this together. If you ever want to email me, my email is slhawthorne@comcast.net.
Big, squishy, girly hugs to you, Heather..... (And one for Rene too.) :)
Heather: You'll get through this...the chemo brain thing is only temporary. Besides, my dear you have so many brilliant brain cells that you will always be your bright self. So, try not to worry about this. It will pass. I think about you every day...trying to send you good thoughts. I tried to call you yesterday a few times.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Love and hugs and hugs again.
Aunt Joan
Hi Heather- Your mom is with me and we are talking about her trips to see you and to MExico- I am her supervisor, so that is why we are talking about this stuff- Not just some random person that she stopped on the street with a laptop!-We were hoping that the cookies would be the anti nausea type, but it looks like that isn't the case- Wishing you the best that can be expected. Spring will be here quickly-and summer soon after- Take good care-Suni
Yeah, I so hear you about the bald thing. People keep making Persis Kambatta and Sinead O'Conner remarks, but I am an overweight middle-aged woman and with this fine fuzz of dark hair, I just look like a dyke biker bitch. If I went into a lady's room without a hat, I could empty it. Everyone would be afraid I was going to bust up the place.
I just keep telling myself, the alternative is worse, the alternative is worse, the alternative is worse...
Hi Baby Girl - I was very nervous when so much time went by since your last posting!!! I knew all was not so great because you were so hyper about keeping everyone posted." Now you can begin to see that my 2 week offer may not have been so extreme !!!!
I think of you hourly and love you endlessly. I just had a thought - remember how you are my Orchid child? Well, flowers lose their leaves in the winter (think hair) and get new leaves and flowers in the spring,(just like you. Love - Love - Love Mama Sabatini
Hi Heather, thinking of you and walking with you to your treatment today ... Wish there was anything I could do to lighten your burden. I KNOW that you will beat this Bob, so there is light on the other side of the tunnel. Saw your Mom and wanted to comfort her as well. One thing that I know I can do is to support her and Holly's walking for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society by raising funds to support research ... So hang in there girl! Love, Ute
Heather, thinking of you today. It's Thursday, our day of better living through chemistry.
Hey Heather -- just checking in to see how you're doing. I felt worse after today's treatment than I did after the second, when I felt worse after the first one! I'm not going to call it a pattern yet, but it doesn't bode well. Whatever it is, I'll deal with it.
I hope you're feeling ok. I was too pooped to post on my blog today; I just came home and very soon afterwards went to sleep. Now that it's the middle of the night, I have a little more energy, but little clarity of thought. Sounds like I need to just lie back down, I think!
Take care -- thinking good thoughts for you! :)
Heather,
Greetings again from those friends of yours in Utah! I am so happy that you are staying positive and working through this. you are awesome! just wanted to stop by and let you know that Mina and I are thinking about you and hope you are doing well. Hugs and Crap, Danny Summers
I am sorry I haven't stopped by lately. Maybe Sunday. Don't let your hair, or lack thereof bring you down. You are such a beautiful person! It was a fun event, remember the mohawks! Rock on!
Anywho, I think your amazing and I am glad to have you as a friend.
See you soon, Teri
Heather,
I am glad to see that you are keeping a good spirit about everything. It least your postings show that. I know that what you are going through is hard and that it is almost impossible to express how you are feeling. My prayers are with you and I know that you will survive this. You have a witty sense of humor and it is great!
Take care of yourself. Whenever you are feeling blue just remember that many people love you and are constantly thinking of you and praying for you.
Love,
Alie :)
Hey girl,
How are you feeling today? Great I hope this really sounds tough but I am here for you if you ever need me. I love you Heather, call me if you just want to chat.
Love Deedra
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