It's over! I've finished all my chemotherapy. My body is still tattered and torn from this war I've been fighting but the chemo is done.
I had a horrible night of sleep last night - dreaming kind of unspecifically about war. I'm sure it was me fighting my final battle to get my old self back. I woke up to a beautiful day so I guess I won. But there are still after affects - I haven't gone to the bathroom since Saturday, I've cut all my fingernails down to keep them from ripping off, and I'm more fatigued than ever. But I'm here! I'm alive and Bob is not! For now I'm just trying to work through these last few obstacles before the old, yet new and improved, me emerges.
Thank you so much to all of you for your love and support throughout my battle. I truly could not have done this with out all of you!
As a reminder to those who have not yet contributed...Mom & Holly are doing the Rock-n-Roll Marathon here in San Diego in June and are still in need of donations. Anything at all will help the cause of fighting Leukemia & Lymphoma! Click here to learn more!
Monday, April 25, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
30) Okay, one more to go!
I can do it, right? Only one more treatment left - this thursday. I can't believe the last one is finally here. But at the same time I can't believe I actually have to endure this at all.
Other than the fatigue that never really goes away anymore I feel pretty much normal today. I have that to look forward to 12 days after this treatment; however there are some side affects of the chemo that will be with me for some time. Most of my fingernails have detached from my nailbeds - leaving only that curious cresent shape area attached near my cuticles. I can't imagine that once chemo is over they will magically reattach - I'll have to wait until they grow out. Meanwhile, you don't realize how much you use your fingernails (at least as a woman) to assist your fingers. They don't hurt as bad as they did when they were actually going through the detaching phase but they do feel EXTREMELY weird.
I miss my hair the most! I am disappointed in myself for missing it. I was so proud that I could do without it and that having hair was just vanity. But I am vain. I wouldn't spend the money I do on clothes, shoes, handbags, and hair (being a red head for 14 years when I'm a natural blonde is expensive). I'm done being bald!!! I want even stubble to come back. I have this crazy little frizz growing in unevenly right now and its not enough. The doctor tells me that my hair should start growing back 4-6 weeks after chemo. So hopefully by the time my sister's graduation rolls around at the end of May I won't have to look like a skinhead anymore.
I'm so ready for this to be over. I found out the other day that an old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a couple of years passed away a few months ago from a brain tumor. I have been in and out of disbelief and grief. And it makes me want to kick this cancer completely (I know my scans are clean but I want 100%) and never look back. I want to live my life. I want to have children. I want to travel. I want to love my husband for as long as I possibly can. I want every minute to count!
Other than the fatigue that never really goes away anymore I feel pretty much normal today. I have that to look forward to 12 days after this treatment; however there are some side affects of the chemo that will be with me for some time. Most of my fingernails have detached from my nailbeds - leaving only that curious cresent shape area attached near my cuticles. I can't imagine that once chemo is over they will magically reattach - I'll have to wait until they grow out. Meanwhile, you don't realize how much you use your fingernails (at least as a woman) to assist your fingers. They don't hurt as bad as they did when they were actually going through the detaching phase but they do feel EXTREMELY weird.
I miss my hair the most! I am disappointed in myself for missing it. I was so proud that I could do without it and that having hair was just vanity. But I am vain. I wouldn't spend the money I do on clothes, shoes, handbags, and hair (being a red head for 14 years when I'm a natural blonde is expensive). I'm done being bald!!! I want even stubble to come back. I have this crazy little frizz growing in unevenly right now and its not enough. The doctor tells me that my hair should start growing back 4-6 weeks after chemo. So hopefully by the time my sister's graduation rolls around at the end of May I won't have to look like a skinhead anymore.
I'm so ready for this to be over. I found out the other day that an old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a couple of years passed away a few months ago from a brain tumor. I have been in and out of disbelief and grief. And it makes me want to kick this cancer completely (I know my scans are clean but I want 100%) and never look back. I want to live my life. I want to have children. I want to travel. I want to love my husband for as long as I possibly can. I want every minute to count!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
29) Coming out of chemoland...
With the news of Bob being gone, at least on a level that he doen't show on the PET/CT scans, this treatment seemed to be a little easier and a little harder all at the same time.
Thursday we went to see a dermatologit prior to chemo for these weird rashes I have all over. They ended up taking a punch biopsy and giving me stitches! Nice and comfy before chemo, huh? The chemo itself seemed to make me pretty nauseous so I slept through most of it. Then I slept in the car on the way home and then I got into bed at 3:30pm and slept straight through (except for the every few hour bathroom break) until 7:30am. It felt so good to sleep like that.
Friday I wasn't feeling too good all day but knew we had to go back in for my nuelasta shot and more hydration (they left my port all attached rather than repoking me). It was a struggle to get up there but once we were there it was okay. The hydration did make me feel better and by the time we left I had a craving for thai food. So we went to fill all my new prescriptions and eat a little thai - which totally hit the spot! We got home that night and I barely made it through a movie before I was crawling into bed around 9:00.
Yesterday I felt kind of useless all day. I wasn't much good for anything. Rene has been in mad "weekend warrior" mode trying to get our backyard party ready for the upcoming festivities this June. My mom & sister are doing the Rock & Roll Marathon here in San Diego to raise money for the Luekemia & Lymphoma Society. In fact any of you who haven't gotten their letter or email about it can link here to find out more and donate!!! Team in Training
I can't tell you all how grateful I am to have either met some of you through this illness or have kept you through this illness. This is truely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I couldn't have done it alone. My family and my true friends really do make life worth living! I love you all so much!
One more treatment left to go and then a break before radiation starts...
Thursday we went to see a dermatologit prior to chemo for these weird rashes I have all over. They ended up taking a punch biopsy and giving me stitches! Nice and comfy before chemo, huh? The chemo itself seemed to make me pretty nauseous so I slept through most of it. Then I slept in the car on the way home and then I got into bed at 3:30pm and slept straight through (except for the every few hour bathroom break) until 7:30am. It felt so good to sleep like that.
Friday I wasn't feeling too good all day but knew we had to go back in for my nuelasta shot and more hydration (they left my port all attached rather than repoking me). It was a struggle to get up there but once we were there it was okay. The hydration did make me feel better and by the time we left I had a craving for thai food. So we went to fill all my new prescriptions and eat a little thai - which totally hit the spot! We got home that night and I barely made it through a movie before I was crawling into bed around 9:00.
Yesterday I felt kind of useless all day. I wasn't much good for anything. Rene has been in mad "weekend warrior" mode trying to get our backyard party ready for the upcoming festivities this June. My mom & sister are doing the Rock & Roll Marathon here in San Diego to raise money for the Luekemia & Lymphoma Society. In fact any of you who haven't gotten their letter or email about it can link here to find out more and donate!!! Team in Training
I can't tell you all how grateful I am to have either met some of you through this illness or have kept you through this illness. This is truely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I couldn't have done it alone. My family and my true friends really do make life worth living! I love you all so much!
One more treatment left to go and then a break before radiation starts...
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
28) BOB IS GONE!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!! I actually did it! I kicked Bob's ass!!!!!
We got the result of my latest PET/CT scan and there is no sign of cancer at all!!!!!! I still have to finish my last 2 treatments but Bob is gone. My next treatment is on thursday. And then there will only be 1 left!
I cannot express to you all just how much your suport and love and postings for me and my family have helped me get through all of this. I am absolutely sobbing right now after reading all the new posts after my mom undoubtedly shouted to the world that I'm cancer-free. I am so overwhelmed with love right now I don't know what to say!
Thank you thank you thank you - a million times thank you!!!!
We got the result of my latest PET/CT scan and there is no sign of cancer at all!!!!!! I still have to finish my last 2 treatments but Bob is gone. My next treatment is on thursday. And then there will only be 1 left!
I cannot express to you all just how much your suport and love and postings for me and my family have helped me get through all of this. I am absolutely sobbing right now after reading all the new posts after my mom undoubtedly shouted to the world that I'm cancer-free. I am so overwhelmed with love right now I don't know what to say!
Thank you thank you thank you - a million times thank you!!!!
Friday, April 01, 2005
27) I need help!
Hello everyone...
I am now at the home stretch of this fight against Bob and I find it harder and harder to muster up the strength to get through this. You all call me brave or strong but I don't feel it anymore. Now more than ever before I need to hear from all of you that are reading this! Some of you have been reading this blog since I was first diagnosed but I have yet to hear from you or I haven't heard from you since the begining. Where as I appreciate everyone's support, unless I actually hear from you - I don't know you're there. Please just find it in your schedule to jot me a little comment here or email me (heathersilva@cox.net). It takes so much energy these days to do anything - much less track people down for support. This is when I call in all my favors and ask for all your love and support. I'm desperate!
I'm not feeling good as each treatment is cummulative and the after affects get a little worse each time. In the begining I used to start to feel better in about 5-6 days after treatment - these days I feel better usually about 2 days before my next treatment (if I'm lucky). You can't possible know how draining that is on my psyche, my energy, my sense of humor, and my strength to beat this.
I had a PET/CT scan yesterday and I will find out the results next Tuesday but the anticipation of not knowing is killing me. I'll be pleasantly distracted this weekend by taxes and my neice coming for a visit. But underneath it all I'm just dying to know the results.
I'm sorry to sound so pathetic but I'm strugglimg and I need my peeps!
I am now at the home stretch of this fight against Bob and I find it harder and harder to muster up the strength to get through this. You all call me brave or strong but I don't feel it anymore. Now more than ever before I need to hear from all of you that are reading this! Some of you have been reading this blog since I was first diagnosed but I have yet to hear from you or I haven't heard from you since the begining. Where as I appreciate everyone's support, unless I actually hear from you - I don't know you're there. Please just find it in your schedule to jot me a little comment here or email me (heathersilva@cox.net). It takes so much energy these days to do anything - much less track people down for support. This is when I call in all my favors and ask for all your love and support. I'm desperate!
I'm not feeling good as each treatment is cummulative and the after affects get a little worse each time. In the begining I used to start to feel better in about 5-6 days after treatment - these days I feel better usually about 2 days before my next treatment (if I'm lucky). You can't possible know how draining that is on my psyche, my energy, my sense of humor, and my strength to beat this.
I had a PET/CT scan yesterday and I will find out the results next Tuesday but the anticipation of not knowing is killing me. I'll be pleasantly distracted this weekend by taxes and my neice coming for a visit. But underneath it all I'm just dying to know the results.
I'm sorry to sound so pathetic but I'm strugglimg and I need my peeps!
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