Hello everyone...
I am now at the home stretch of this fight against Bob and I find it harder and harder to muster up the strength to get through this. You all call me brave or strong but I don't feel it anymore. Now more than ever before I need to hear from all of you that are reading this! Some of you have been reading this blog since I was first diagnosed but I have yet to hear from you or I haven't heard from you since the begining. Where as I appreciate everyone's support, unless I actually hear from you - I don't know you're there. Please just find it in your schedule to jot me a little comment here or email me (heathersilva@cox.net). It takes so much energy these days to do anything - much less track people down for support. This is when I call in all my favors and ask for all your love and support. I'm desperate!
I'm not feeling good as each treatment is cummulative and the after affects get a little worse each time. In the begining I used to start to feel better in about 5-6 days after treatment - these days I feel better usually about 2 days before my next treatment (if I'm lucky). You can't possible know how draining that is on my psyche, my energy, my sense of humor, and my strength to beat this.
I had a PET/CT scan yesterday and I will find out the results next Tuesday but the anticipation of not knowing is killing me. I'll be pleasantly distracted this weekend by taxes and my neice coming for a visit. But underneath it all I'm just dying to know the results.
I'm sorry to sound so pathetic but I'm strugglimg and I need my peeps!
Friday, April 01, 2005
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email sent :)
Hey Heather - Its Karen here. Your sort of aunt in law a bizillion times removed -- but still part of your family. I emailed you in the beginning but have been a silent reader following your totally out of site wonderful and courageous website. You have been such an example to me and to others. It is amazing that you have been able to deal with your cancer and treatment in such a public way, and to create a such a loving community of people around you.I have used the example of your website as a model for dealing with illness, hard times etc. and standing tall. My sister who is a professor and has rheumatoid arthritis does not feel like she can get up in front of her class and talk because of how she looks. Her medication made her hair fall out. She has lost her sense of self in her illness. I gave her your website to try to motivate her to feel differently. Anyway, Heather, I have learned a side of you that is awesome, and all of us who have surrounded you if not in words, in thoughts have become better people for it. Seriously, girl!. You hang in there, I am sure everything will turn out for you. I look forward to seeing you again -- next time you come up here, I'm heading for Joss'. Also, my office may be taking a case in San Diego--can I come visit? Love ya and thinkin of ya. Karen
hi heather - good post and glad you put out the request for support - that's the hardest thing for all of us to do - ask for help. It's especially hard when we feel the worst so very proud that you did it! The distraction of doing taxes doesn't sound particularly appealing but hey, if it does the job. You've always been my numbers crushing little girl - remember the math books for fun before you even started school?
here's to a good nights sleep and blue skies.
love, mama
Heather, after chemo #8 I felt moments of utter despair. I was so tired, not just physically but emotionally. And then, as you know, I thought my CAT Scan wasn't clean. I was just putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to complain to other people but sick with dread about the next eight weeks. Then I learned that my CAT scan was clean and I had another treatment and, most importantly, I think I kind of got my equilibrium back.
Your feeling this way because your body is depleted and it just keeps going on. But I think you'll find that you have to have a little time where you are overwhelmed and then you can gather your resources again. You're smart to ask for support, but I think you can allow yourself to be scared and angry and sick awhile, too.
And you will get through this. One foot in front of the other.
Heather, we are all pulling for you. It was a shock to hear you had this illness, and great to hear you had such a good attitude about it. I know that the chemo itself is at least part of what is pulling you down mentally. ("chemical anxiety" or "chemical depression"). Hang in there a little while longer. I dont know a whole lot about the disease. I do know that youth, energy and attitude are everything in something like this. You reach down deep within yourself, find the best and strongest part, and hang onto it. It is said by many that God, or life, will not give you something you can't handle, and that is a good attitude to take too.
Love,
Unca Will.
Email sent...
Hey Heather,
I just checked you website. I have been swamped with school since I am due to graduate in August. But, that doesn't mean I am not thinking about you and praying for you every step of the way. I have been following your progress as much as I can and ask about you evertime I speak with Joan. I know you are struggling right now, but keep that beautiful head of yours up and try to keep in mind that we all love you and even if we can't post a note to say so "WE ARE STILL HERE." And trust me Heather we aren't going anywhere.
I still am amazed each day on how srong you are. And even though you don't feel that way all of the time you are a certified trooper! I am proud of you and even though I am 3,000 miles away in Florida I still want nothing more than for you to crack that smile you always have when we are together for special occassions (like x-mas at my dad's)and that counts for many smiles and laughs for one "normal" family. (LOL LOL)
Don't lose faith now you are almost there.
Ciao Bella,
Alie :)
Dearest Heather P.
I've been thinking of you all weekend, and checking your website for anymore postings. You have received alot of beautiful thoughts and encouragement. Wise words from everyone... There are so many people out there who love and care about you. Everyone is rooting for you. Just hang on honey a little longer. It's almost over. You're almost at the goal line. And like Maureen said, during these emotionally and physically rough times try to just put "one foot in front of the other"...
I hope you got my email. I just wanted to write you a long private note without the thought of anyone else reading it.
Love you....
Auntie Joan
Hi Heather, This is Lisa McAllister, your mom's friend from grad school at ASU. I was so grateful to hear about your need for support. You will be in my prayers. Keep your chin up.
PEACE
Lisa
Hey Heather,
I check your website everyday for updates and enjoy reading the new ones. I wish I was closer to you so I could be more of a friend and there for you. You know we are always thinking of you and Rene. I do hope my little package was able to cheer you up a bit. I pray for you every night and hope that since I don't ask for much, God will answer this one request! Try and keep you chin up - even though it's hard. I will let you know on Wednesday if I'm having a boy or girl....I know that will put a smile on your face.
I love you Feather Face - hang in there!! And don't ever be afraid to ask me for anything!!!!
Be thinking of you tomorrow--Tuesday--when you get your results.
Tuesday morning, waiting for your call about the scan result....don't know what to do with myself so I'm posting........and praying.
love you so much, mama
Thinking about you guys! Let us know!
WOOHOOOO!!!! YIPPPEEEEE!!!!YAHOOOO!
I'm so happy that 'Bob' is GONE! It was so great to hear you got a clean scan! I wish I was there to celebrate with you. I'm definitely with you in spirit! I think you and Rene should go out and celebrate.
I'm really happy for you. Just get through your next two treatments and you'll be done!
YEAH!
Lots of Love,
Colleen, Lenny, Connor & Baby Myrick
WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!
Just heard the GREAT news from your Mom. Congratulations! I have a friend who is a 20 year survivor of Hodgkins Lymphoma. After he finished his treatments, he climbed Mt. Whitney. At the summit there is a bronze plaque dedicated to survivors of Hodgkins. Ten years ago he and his wife Wendy had a baby girl and they named her, Whitney! So, if you don't climb Mt. Whitney, know that that plaque is there for you too now.
What a strong woman you are Heather.
You Go Girl!!!
Sharon Spaulding
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Your mom is my participant in Team in Training, so we all know all about you. Hang in there! We are all here for you!
Hey Heather, Sorry I haven't left a message in a while. I can only imagine how horrible this process must be for for you. You are probably the strongest person I know to have dealt with this the way you have. I'm praying for you to get better soon and I'm sure you will. I promise I'll keep an eye on your website and leave messages in the future.
Love,
your cousin Mike
Hey Heather, It's your cousin Mike again. I just read some of the latest comments and it sounds like you just got some good news. I'll check back to find out the details.
Love,
Mike
CONGRADULATIONS!!!Just heard the good news from mom. You just fought the toughest fight of your life, and you won. Way to show Bob who's boss. I admire you for the grace and strength you exhibited through last few months. I can only hope I could deal with such advercity as well as you did. Carpe diem, you have a new lease on life.
Love Bryan
PS See ya @ SBC Park 5/27
I only recently found your blog and started reading, but I've linked to you, and check up on you every couple days. It's hard in that final stretch sometimes. It can feel like everyone is ready to move on from the cancer, has moved on from the cancer, even if you haven't. It's another one of those spaces which are hard to describe to people who haven't been there.
I'm reading. And you are making it.
Good luck and take care.
I have been reading your comments. They have cheered me up as I know they have cheered you up. It sounds like you got fantastic news today!!! Yippee!! I can't wait to read your post about the good news. I got another clean scan as well yesterday! Here's to kicking Bob out of town!! I am so happy for you.
Hi Heather,
This is Jocelyn's friend Susan. I heard the great news today. I'm so happy for you and all those that love you. You've been doing a great job doing this unpleasant tango - to say the least - with bob. Best wishes with finishing up these final treatments and a lifetime of good health ahead.
Susan
Hi Heather,
This is Jocelyn's friend Susan. I heard the great news today. I'm so happy for you and all those that love you. You've been doing a great job doing this unpleasant tango - to say the least - with bob. Best wishes with finishing up these final treatments and a lifetime of good health ahead.
Susan
CELEBRATION! Plan a trip! Plan a party! Great news!
Hey Heather! Congratulations on the great news. I sent you an email too, and for some reason, now I can post....anyway, this is a great day for you and your loved ones!
Telzey
Hi Heather:
I have been kept in-the-loop about your progress since my last posting thru your Aunt Joan. In reading your many postings it must be nice to know that you are loved by so many people. I just heard, and had no doubt that your CT Scan would come back ok. Damm, I guess we have one more thing to celebrate when I see you this summer. I can't begin to know how difficult this has been on you. I do know however, that your strength is something to behold. And that you have showed us all what it is to fight and be strong when your faced with difficult times. I for one use your strength to help me. I say to myself " If Heather can go thru what she's going thru than I can get thru this or that". You are an inspiration to all of us. So take care and have a few shots for me.
GO GIRL !!!!!!!
Love Gary
Hi Heather! I talked to Bryan this morning and he said that your cancer is all gone! I am so happy for you and the rest of the family!! I knew that you would be okay though! Although I don't know you well, I had a feeling that you are a strong, courageous, beautiful woman, who can handle anything. And I was right!!! And the best part is now you will really be able to enjoy baseball season!! Bryan and i are going to come down to San Diego with Holly, Pablo, and your mom in June, so I am looking foward to it and seeing you and Rene again!!!! Well, I have to go to class now, but I just wanted to drop you a note to say hello, and that I have been, and will continue to pray for you and Rene, and your pets. Hope you have a good week!!!!
I LOVE YOU and congradulations!!!! (i forgot to write it on my posting)
Hello love, PRAISE THE LORD. I hate Bob. BYE BYE BOB. Do you still have to do the radiation? I know you don't want to if you don't have to. I pray for you every day and think of you more often. I love you sister. I am going to Idlewylde this weekend with my bunco babes (who are also praying for you) I need a break. Candace is coming again this weekend, she is going to stay here but she is coming to see Chads friend Mike. Call her and maybe they can stop by. Chad got a job at MiMi's cafe he starts Thursday. Love you major, Deedra
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