I can do it, right? Only one more treatment left - this thursday. I can't believe the last one is finally here. But at the same time I can't believe I actually have to endure this at all.
Other than the fatigue that never really goes away anymore I feel pretty much normal today. I have that to look forward to 12 days after this treatment; however there are some side affects of the chemo that will be with me for some time. Most of my fingernails have detached from my nailbeds - leaving only that curious cresent shape area attached near my cuticles. I can't imagine that once chemo is over they will magically reattach - I'll have to wait until they grow out. Meanwhile, you don't realize how much you use your fingernails (at least as a woman) to assist your fingers. They don't hurt as bad as they did when they were actually going through the detaching phase but they do feel EXTREMELY weird.
I miss my hair the most! I am disappointed in myself for missing it. I was so proud that I could do without it and that having hair was just vanity. But I am vain. I wouldn't spend the money I do on clothes, shoes, handbags, and hair (being a red head for 14 years when I'm a natural blonde is expensive). I'm done being bald!!! I want even stubble to come back. I have this crazy little frizz growing in unevenly right now and its not enough. The doctor tells me that my hair should start growing back 4-6 weeks after chemo. So hopefully by the time my sister's graduation rolls around at the end of May I won't have to look like a skinhead anymore.
I'm so ready for this to be over. I found out the other day that an old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a couple of years passed away a few months ago from a brain tumor. I have been in and out of disbelief and grief. And it makes me want to kick this cancer completely (I know my scans are clean but I want 100%) and never look back. I want to live my life. I want to have children. I want to travel. I want to love my husband for as long as I possibly can. I want every minute to count!
Monday, April 18, 2005
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7 comments:
hi honey! I know you're so-not-looking-forward to this last chemo. But.........it's the LAST chemo!! These last few months have crawled by but we're almost to the end now - just a little longer. And you WILL be enjoying all the sweetness of moving towards health and well-being and life even better than before Bob appeared on the scene. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Love,
mama
Wow, that's weird about your fingernails. My husband keeps checking mine but they're fine. Honestly, I think I've had a lot less trouble than you have--and my adverse affects are more treatable.
I think the last treatment must be the hardest. But I've also heard walking out the door after the last treatment is the most wonderful feeling. I'm hanging on to my travel plans a week after the last treatment--maybe you should schedule something to look forward to?
Keep the faith! I've been through this in my own family and deal with it daily in my line of work. Attitude is everything. Best wishes.
Just read your new posting and feeling every bit of the pain Bob has caused you. The day after tomorrow you will be walking through that door to chemo-land for the last time...never to return! Can you 'taste' the victory?! The fatigue will soon be gone and you will be your young strong self again. Bob will be out of your life forever.
Take one day at a time...don't take on anymore than that right now.
Take care Heather P. and remember your family loves you to the bone. You are afterall our precious Heather princess.
Love,
Aunt Joan
It's over. The last one. At last you can truly concentrate on regrouping and building back up.
After this you will be stronger and healthier than ever. Bob will never even think of knocking on your door again. He is totally out of the picture forever! It's nice that you're connecting with an old friend again. I guess sometimes it takes something drastic to happen (and time) to bury the hatchet and discover you have a renewed friendship to build on.
Take care Heather P. I can't wait to see how your hair grows back.
Love and hugs,
Aunt Joan
Congratulations! The journey back is sweet. There will be a day when you realize, "I'm back." You will feel your energy back, the fear tucked away, and the sweetness of life once again. Trust me -- that day happened for me just two weeks ago. I wish you all the best!
Heather, you're done! You're done! How does it feel?
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