19) Free Cookies

Free cookies for those with cancer! I was at the mall yesterday waiting for my pretzel and the lady from Mrs. Field's gave me two free cookies while I waited (the two shared a store). No one else got free cookies while they waited for their food. At first I felt a little awkward, like Maureen's "Cancer Lady", but then I decided to enjoy my cookies. I mean, shit, how often do you get free cookies in life? It wasn't the only special attention I got yesterday at the mall either. Everyone was so much nicer than I ever remember them being. Too bad cancer doesn't get you to the front of the line at Nordstrom Rack!

I know its been a week since I posted last so you're probably thnking that I've been pretty boring since then. Sort of. Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment (standard follow-up) and by the time I got there I was pretty nauseous and ended up puking my guts out. Two different nurses tried to access my port (for labs, meds, and fluids) three times unsuccessfully. They eventually just IVed my arm. I never did feel too much better though. Thursday I was struggling a bit by afternoon with dizziness, fatigue, and general discomfort. I had an apointment to have my wig fitted and cut. I felt much better after leaving the shop with my new hair, but by the time I got home in hour long traffic I was exhausted and uncomfortable again. Friday morning we had to be at the port doctor's for a port-check and possible replacement of my port - talk about stress! Turns out the doctor was able to access my port using a special xray camera in which I got to see on camera just how long the catherter is that runs from my port. He chalked up the unsuccessful attempts to user error. I still find that hard to believe but who knows. Just to be sure, they are going to access my port the morning of my next treatment so that I don't have to miss any treatments.

To sum it all up, I've been pretty depressed all week. I think its because of (among other obvious reasons) the fact that my brain power is so diminished and I feel like I'm a stoner now. Rene says I don't even articulate conversations anymore and I have really simplified my vocabulary. I guess its too much work to think. That is REALLY depressing to me! I've tried doing word puzzles and the like to keep my brain sharp, but I end up feeling like an idiot. Also, I have this constant discomfort/pain just below my breast. It feels like heartburn/indigestion/gas type stuff but none of my meds (prescription or OTC) seem to relieve it. Its not enough to call the doctor about since they've already told me that they can't take everything away, but it is enough to really make me feel down. I just want to feel normal again. And if all of that isn't enough annoying stuff...I'm starting to REALLY miss my hair! I thought I was cool with the no hair thing, but I'm pretty miserable about it. Not because of how people look at you but because of how freakin' hot (as in temperature) it is to constantly be wearing hats or a wig. I live in San Diego for cryin' out loud. Its spring/summer here year round. Its not like I'm completely bald either. It looks like I'm wearing a yamaka of hair stubble with this peach fuzz type blonde stuff everywhere else. Rene says if I shave it all bald I could sport it but I tend to think only supermodels can pull off a completely bald head. And a supermodel, I am not.

Well that's it for now, I'll be back in chemo land this thursday - whoopie!!